My Enemy

The other night, we had a date to go over and eat "The Last Supper" with Suk's sister and the family because from now on, as a married woman, she may not come home as often and if she does, she'll be bring Sensei with her.

This is the story of that night, but alas...there is a happy ending, which I will write about in my next post.

On the way there, Suk turns to me and says, "Do you feel that my mother is competition for you?"

I told him the truth. Although I think she is a wonderful, nice and funny woman, I sometimes feel the situation is difficult to deal with. Not only does he suffer immensely from what we commonly refer to as Oedipus Complex (or Mazakon in Japanese), his mother is quite proud of the fact that her son likes her and depends on her so much.

He went on to explain to me that there is a difference between "love for you mother" and "love for your wife." Oh, yes, do I need that explained to me? Does anyone? God, I hope not.

What has always bothered me is that he often makes arrangements with his mother and sister before speaking to me about it. I am usually the last to know. It is as if I am on a need-to-know basis, and most of it seems to be stuff I don't "need to know," according to them.

In the beginning, it usually involved dinner plans. Plans would be made, times, places and food would be decided. All week, they would call each other using cell phones (not once would our house phone ring!), and finally, the day before the decided date (and sometimes on the day of!), I would be told about my weekend plans.

There were times when I already had my own plans. Or I just wanted to hang out with my workaholic husband on the weekend because that is essentially our only time together. But basically, I just wanted to be let in on the planning stages, so that I could be more informed.

After arguing about it for a while, we (I) came to the conclusion that since I am the wife, I should have first priority in his life, and that decisions should not be made without me, even if it is something as harmless as a Saturday night dinner.

There are other issues involving my relationship with Suk's mom, but this seems to be the main one.

When I first started this blog, I wrote about how we chose to buy our condo. We will move into it next month, so the last few months have been very busy making arrangements for a moving company, signing papers, choosing and ordering furniture, etc. Unfortunately, there are some things which I cannot do by myself, either because the condo-related stuff is not in my name, or because I am not completely literate in Japanese.

Nonetheless, I do my best to stay involved in the entire process...

Which is really hard when you have a husband who much prefers to depend on his mom for everything, and she enables him to do so.

For example, we have hired a moving company. A consultant came to our house to estimate how much the cost would be. My husband is a workaholic, so I have to do all the purging, cleaning and packing by myself. Suk made the arrangements with our current apartment manager as to when we have to be out of our apartment. Mind you, we are moving to a place just down the street (a 4-minute walk), so the ideal thing would be that we have an extra day or two to go back the old place and clean it up a bit before handing over the keys. Without consulting me (as usual), Suk arranged to hand over the keys on the SAME DAY that we move. Good-bye security deposit x 3!

When I complained, he assured me it would be okay because his entire family (including Sensei!) would be coming over to help us on that day. I thought that could be a good thing or a bad thing. Do I really want his mom taking over everything in the new place in her "helpful" way? Do I really want her cleaning up after us? But, with so little time, you do what you have to do.

(Not so! His family objected to the idea of cleaning up our old apartment while we assist the movers in our new place. THEY also want to be in the new place "assisting." Yeah, I can just see it now.

Me: Please put the table over there.
Her: No, it should go here. Yoo-hoo, put it here.
Him: Actually, I am thinking this would be a better place. What do you think, Mom?

Or

Him: Mande, why don't you stay here and clean the apartment.
Me: Why do I have to?
Him: Because my mom can make coffee or tea for the movers, and that's an easy job for her.
Her: (says nothing
Me: I can do THAT!!!
Him: It's just BETTER FOR YOU TO CLEAN!!! FINE! YOU DON'T WANT TO MOVE?! LET'S JUST CANCEL THIS WHOLE THING!

The end.)

So, back to the latest Saturday night dinner at her house. First things first, I had been low-carbing it last week due to a slight weight-gain and was surprised to see what she had prepared for dinner.



Ha! And they say Japanese food is healthy!

Second, I hadn't been feeling good all day and had an upset stomach. I knew that alcohol and deep-fried food would be a bad combination, but I couldn't refuse to partake. Halfway through dinner, I had to retire to the sofa where I could rest quietly.

After dinner and dessert were finished, Suk took his folders pertaining to our condo out of his bag and prepared to show her various pieces of new information and possiby ask for advice. Most of this is stuff he hasn't even bothered to explain to me. When I pick something up and ask a question about it, he usually yells at me and says, "Jibun de yome yo!", meaning, "Read it yourself!" Yeah, that's likely.

One of the items he brought with him was a magazine about dogs. We are in the process of looking for a breeder of French Bull dogs in our area of Japan, and I think he just wanted to show her some magazine articles about this type of dog. I was only half paying attention to their conversation.

She was basically lecturing him about how it's time for him to grow up and become an adult. We are almost 30 years old. We are buying a condo, getting a dog and thinking about starting a family. So, we should be able to do things on our own by now, and we should follow the proper Japanese customs of gift-giving and so on. I was totally with her up until the "gift-giving" part because I just don't get that. I have had problems with it before, and I don't want to be caught in another endless cycle of "This gift is really boring, but here take it," followed by "Thanks for the gift you gave me last week. It was wonderful. Here is a really boring gift for you in return," followed by another "Thank you so much for that gift you gave me. I made this for you. It's not so good, but take it," and so on and so forth. This kind of cycle tends to last forever, and all the while, you are left thinking, "A true friend wouldn't expect gifts from me every time I see her." So, if he wants to give gifts to people, that is fine with me, but I don't want to get involved with that. In any case, the first part of her lecture to Suk had a lot of truth to it even if it was embarrassing for me witness my almost 30-year-old husband getting talked to in that way. I kept my mouth shut.

After a while, Suk changed the subject and showed her the dog magazine. She started talking about whether we should get the dog neutered or not. Of course, she claimed it was unnecessary and that the only reason Japanese people do it is to keep their dog from barking, which would annoy the neighbors. I couldn't help but speak up at this point.

Of course, Suk agreed with her. I told her my reasons for getting a dog neutered or spayed, but I also let her know that I had already decided it. A lively, but not fun, argument incurred between the three of us, with SIL throwing in her two-cents, "Well, you'll be making your dog into a new-half!" Thanks, SIL, that really helps.

The argument finally ended when I told Suk's mom that she has no business giving us advice about such a thing because it something between me and Suk, and because she has never owned a dog. So, there.

Suk didn't like the fact that I yelled at his mom. I didn't like the fact that Suk always takes her side. The mood changed at that point，and of course，it was all my fault for being an opinionated American, and I went back to putting all of my concentration on the Olympics on TV.

Finally, it was time to go home. I stood at the door with my shoes on waiting for Suk to gather his stuff together. She came to door and in her most gracious voice, she said, "Iro iro arigatou gozaimashita," as she bowed deeply.

Could you get any more sarcastic than that?

Birds of a Feather or Something Like That

Last week, we had yet another family tragedy on my husband's side. I never realized how truly melo-dramatic they are until my SIL announced she was getting married. Now, another tragedy has occurred.

My mother-in-law's pet bird ran away...I mean,it flew away.

We gave her that bird as a birthday present last summer. She had been wanting one ever since their last one died about 10 years ago. It's a yellow cockatiel. She gave it the same name as the last one - Okame-chan, which basically means "Mr. Cockatiel."

Last week, I got a frantic phone call from my husband saying, "I have something really shocking to tell you, are you sitting down?"

I thought, "Oh god, now what?!"

"Okame-chan flew away. He's gone! My mom is so upset about this."

I know that pets are really important to people, and if my (future) dog ever runs away, I will be engulfed in guilt and sadness. However, I couldn't help but feel a little bit "unconcerned" in this situation.

Suk said she felt guilty because we are technically the owners of this bird. I quickly corrected him and reminded him that Okame-chan was, in fact, a gift to her and that she is now the owner. I suggested we buy her another bird, but that this time we should go with the much cheaper model - the $15 kind of bird that can actually learn to talk. (Being that always lament over the fact that Okame-chan will never be able to talk, this seemed like a good solution to me.)

He doesn't like this idea, and since he suffers from a serious case of Oedipus Complex (aka mazakon), he wants to rush out and buy her a new bird exactly like Okame-chan.

Meanwhile, the abrasive sister-in-law's reaction to the whole thing went something like this, "You idiot! You might as well just dive off the balcony and kill yourself."

I do think that is going a bit far, and if I am concerned about anything in this situation, it would have to be Mother-in-Law's psychological state after hearing something so horrible come out of her own daughter's mouth.

Can buying a replacement bird pull her out of this depression?

Shouldn't we tell her to buy it herself, rather than take it out of our own savings? Isn't that what you would do when a child loses his hamster?

I know that option would not go over well with Suk because he is such a Mama's boy. He thinks he should pay her back all the money she spent on his college education. But, that is a story for a another entry though!

Obvious News

I guess it's obvious, but I changed the template of my blog yesterday. No worries, I just did it because Christine advised me to change it to something that is easier to work with. I wanted to add links to other web sites and to my favorite blogs, but I am not literate in HTML, so I wasn't sure how to do it. Now, with my new template, it will be easier to set up the links in the right column.

Also, isn't this template much easier to read? I think so!

Tomorrow, I am going to Tokyo to hang out with my friend Andrea at her house. We're going to do scrapbooking together. Then, I am heading over to Louise's house where we will also do scrapbooking, followed by dinner out, karaoke and then staying up all night gabbing. Louise has three kids and is a working mom, but we started this tradition last year, so every January, I am supposed to do an overnight at her house on the west side of Tokyo. Suk is not too happy, but he'll have to deal. I know he just misses me like crazy because he doesn't get to hang out with me during the week. That is so not my fault though!

Also, I decided to start calling him Suk (pronounced "sook"). It is short for Yusuke (as in YuSUKe). I began calling him that soon after we got married as a cute little newlywed nickname, but I don't really make it public. I just thought that it would easier when referring to him in my blog and in my scrapbooks because it is better than typing "my husband" every time I want to write about him.

Mande's J-Life Stands for Life in Japan...Get it!?

Last night, I reluctantly went back to my Japanese school and signed the contract for the next round of 60 lessons. I so did not want to do this, and I definitely did not want to hand over an envelope filled with cash (105,000 yen or $1200) to that receptionist/teacher, whatever she is.

While sitting at the desk waiting for her to count my cash and find out where they keep the change (they have so few students who take classes there, I was surprised they even HAD change!), I happened to notice some free "Take One" magazines sitting there. I picked up a few issues of Metropolis. That's a weird magazine if there ever was one, but it's nice to find out exactly which bands are coming to Japan and then lament over the fact that there is no way I could get tickets for them since A. I don't know how to get tickets and B. it's always too late by the time I find out. Since I enjoy that crummy feeling, I grabbed a few issues just to skim them.

Then, I noticed another magazine with the extremely creative title J-Life. And, I was like, "Hey, they totally copied me!" Here I thought I was being so original in choosing the title of my blog. I chose "Mande" - because that is what my friends, family, husband and anyone who knew me before 2001 call me. Everyone who met me since 2001 calls me "Amanda" because that is how I introduce myself now...yeah, now that I am a grown-up married woman, I thought I should be more formal. Also, I decided the name "Amanda" sounds better with my new last name. So, I thought if anyone were to google my blog (not that people really do this), my friends back home would have an easy time finding me, but people that I have met since 2001, would not. As this blog was originally meant for those old friends back home, I used that logic to use Mande in my title. Although, at this point, I would be happy if anyone was reading this.

Then, I thought, oh, if I put "Japan" in the title, the blog would be TOO easy to find. So, I came up with J-Life on a whim, and I actually assumed that no one had ever thought of that before. Right. By the looks of this magazine cover, they printed their first issue sometime last fall, so they totally DID copy me. As if.

If you are just the least bit curious, you can find this magazine and try reading it. I have not (and probably WILL NOT) read it, but there are contributions and advertisements geared towards people from all sorts of cultures who are now residing in Japan, and they are all written in Japanese with little furigana characters above the kanji. If you didn't understand that last sentence, then you probably need to start by taking Japanese 101 at your local community college.

Bachelorettes III

I wanted to give an update about my sister-in-law.

Sister-in-law = SIL
We met The boyfriend last Saturday over dinner at the in-law's tiny, cramped 2LK. Hey, they raised two children in this tiny apartment, so perhaps to them, cramming 6 adults in this place is nothing to them.

He is tall and thin, wears glasses and has funny ears. I thought he may have done judo, but he never mentioned it during our conversations. I think he is good-looking, but my husband kept whispering stuff like this to me.

Him: "Look at the top of his head. He's balding."
Me: "I think everyone has a slight thinning at the top of their heads. It's nothing to worry about.

Him: Look at those ears. How weird!
Me: Maybe he practices judo. Or maybe his ears look red because he has been drinking so much.

Yes, in the drinking department, he does hold his own, and that is A LOT when you compare him to my in-laws. I mean, my father-in-law is no drunk. He drinks one glass of beer, feels drunk, starts acting funny and then disappears into his bedroom for the rest of the night. My mother- and sister-in-law like to party, and Yusuke and I can barely keep up with them. The boyfriend was right there, keeping up with them, not a trace of drunkeness - except for the reddened ears.

I call him The boyfriend because I cannot refer to him by name, however, from now on, I will call him "Sensei." This is what my sister-in-law calls him. For anyone who has seen the Karate Kid movies, you would know that "sensei" means teacher or master. We asked why she had nicknamed him "sensei" and like everything is with her, she said, "It's a secret. I can't tell you." So, right away, I imagined that she called him "sensei" because he had taught her the ways of the world...if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

So, Sensei has been dating my sister-in-law for the past year. They met at a three-week training conference for their company. They work in different departments. He is an executive. From what I can tell, she is more like an administrative assistant to an executive, but of course, she is sworn to secrecy about her job. When she first met him, he told her he was in charge of the Psycho Dept, and she just assumed that he was a teacher of some sort. This might explain why she began to affectionately call him Sensei.

I was eager to know more about Sensei and his relationship with SIL, and since I am the designated Say-it-like-it-is Foreigner of the family, I knew that it was my job to bring a few issues to the table. So, I asked her why the heck she had kept their relationship a secret for so long. And, I went on to tell her that I had been suspecting for a long time. Of course, I got no real answer from her. Just a shy giggle. A shy giggle? From my SIL? She must be in love or something because normally she is a stern (albeit heavy-drinking), serious OKORIPPOI (a person with a bad temper) woman.

After Father-in-law had retired to his room (oh, thank god he's gone. We can really party now!), we sat down and asked Sensei some real questions about his life and their relationship.

I think everyone is a geek about something. (I am a geek about scrapbooking. My husband is a TOTAL geek about movies. Shannon is a geek about reading sci-fi and romance novels.) Sensei is a geek about -get this! - building and riding bicycles. You know how some computer geeks enjoy collecting various parts of old computers and building "new" computers out of them. Well, apparently Sensei likes to do the same with bicycles. This guy is a gem!

Now, for the unfortunate news. There will be no $30,000 wedding spectacle. I would have liked to see SIL in a wedding dress (but I would never say that to her face!), so I am disappointed. Instead, they have invited both sets of parents (little brothers and their foreign wives need not apply) out to lunch and the parents will be asked to sign the papers as witnesses to the marriage. Then, they will go down and add her name to the family registry. This will take place in two weeks. I asked about a ceremony and a party (you would think that with this kind of family, they would at least get together and down a few bottles of sake), and she said they were thinking of having a small ceremony at a temple in Kamakura.

No laser light show. No emcee. No giant fake wedding cake. I am utterly disappointed.

Then, the good news. They are already apartment hunting, and the timing is perfect because we are hoping to get rid of some of our stuff. When I offered them our white leather two-seater sofa, my husband got really annoyed. I guess he wants to keep it for his "man's room". But, that would be a subject for another blog.

After SIL and Sensei left to go back to Tokyo, my husband promptly fell asleep on the couch with the bird (my MIL's pet) perched on his crotch and pecking at his zipper. What a nice photo opp that would have been! Then, I had to wash dishes with MIL, and the whole time she lamented about how dispicable it was that her daughter would be getting married even though she had vowed that she would never marry. How horrible that one's own daughter should fall in love and get married! I assured her that SIL probably didn't mean it when she supposedly "vowed" to never marry. Who does that anyway?

MIL's sadness about the whole thing made me wonder (while wallowing in my own selfishness), will I have to step in as wife of the only son and take care of her in old age? No wonder she is feeling sad! If I were her, I would not want MandeJ taking care of me either!

Catchy Lyrics or Lyrics That You Can't Catch

A fellow teacher asked us to decode some song lyrics today. As you can imagine, we have a lot of free time these days.

The song is by DefTech, a Japanese band, that like most Japanese bands, seem to enjoy sledgehammering nonsensical English phrases into their verses.

1.
DefTech Micro & Shen heed it
Your seeds will grow, reap them.

2.
DefTech Micro & Shen heed it
Your seeds are weeping.

3.
DefTech Micro & Shen heed it
You will know it.

Well, anyway, what the hell does that mean? I like version #1 becomes it seems almost biblical.

Bachelorettes II

The other day, I wrote about my poor, poor Japanese girlfriends who are still single. I count my sister-in-law to be part of this group...but, not anymore!

Last night, my mother-in-law called me up (actually, she wanted to talk to my husband but she couldn't get a hold of him), and she told me this story.

My mother-in-law went to the hospital in Tokyo for some routine tests and her daughter (age 32 and perpetually single, but very beautiful and with an attitude) showed up to keep her company at the hospital. While there, she informed her mother that she would be visiting her this weekend and that she was planning to bring her boyfriend with her. This was the first anyone had heard of the existance of a boyfriend.

Not only that, but they have been dating for a whole year and they are planning to get married. So, she just wants to introduce him to us before they go through the formality of seeking permission from their company. They both work for a very strict company and apparently, they need permission to do this!

Anyway, my mother-in-law told her that she was against the whole thing, but I think she is just upset that she was never told her daughter was even dating someone.

Actually, my husband and I suspected that something was up for a quite a long time. She lives in Tokyo by herself, and she used to come home to our town almost every weekend. Last summer, she stopped coming so frequently, and then last fall, we didn't see her at all! Whenever we asked her about it (I was always made to ask the questions like "So, whose this mysterious guy you're seeing? What's his name? What, there is not one person you are even slightly interested in? Not even a flirtation? Oh, come on! I don't believe it," and so on), but she would never give anything away. So, even though we suspected, we were unable to get anything out of her.

In my view, this is just another example of Japanese culture. You date, but you don't tell, especially the family, until it is really serious and you plan to get married. I am not surprised about her, but I am surprised that my husband and his family are so shocked.

In our case, my mother-in-law saw it coming. For the six months before my husband and I got engaged, we were sending packages and letters back and forth through the mail, talking on the phone every week, and since he still lived at home, his mom was clued into everything. Then, he went and visited me in the USA for two weeks at Christmas, so they all figured he was planning to propose. When he came back to Japan and sat them all down to tell them the big news, his mom kind of stole his thunder when she said, "Oh that, yeah, we knew you were gonna do that. That's nice. Another drink, anyone?"

Never Would Have Thought It

You Are a Sarariiman!

Or "salaryman." Whatever. Treadmill off, treadmill on. Most of the sleep you get is on Tokyo's extensive subway system, since you are putting in 14 hour days. You're a workaholic who works hard for no overtime. And vacations? Forget about it. You spend most of your trip hunting around for gifts to bring back all of your coworkers.

What's Your Japanese Subculture?

Bachelorettes

Why is it that many of my Japanese girlfriends are still single?

Okay, when I wrote "many", what I meant was "the six women that I happen to be friends with."

Not a boyfriend in sight. No dates. Not even a flirtation.

I have heard that Japanese men are so shy, or that they portray themselves as being shy so as to not appear "needy." And, if these women don't pursue the man strongly, by say, hitting him on the head with a big club and then dragging him back to the cave, perhaps he will just never get the hint.

I have heard Christine's stories. And, I suppose there are other foreign wives who were very aggressive with their Japanese men.

I, myself, had never pursued anyone so strongly before I met Yusuke and since I have known him. I was unstoppable.

I remember this one time...we were in high school and I stayed after to visit him when his club activity finished at 6pm. Then, we hung out in the equipment room together until we absolutely had to leave the school. Finally, he went and got his bike and walked me to the bus station. I still didn't know for sure whether he liked me or not, but even though his friend was walking with us, I put my hand over his hand which was resting on his bike seat as we walked to the bus stop. He didn't acknowledge, but he didn't move his hand away. I never mentioned it to him until two weeks ago, but I figured he would have no memory of it. He just started giggling like a little boy. Of course he remembered!

Back to my Japanese girlfriends. I want to fix them up, but I only know a few foreign guys, most of whom are off limits for one reason or another. I wish I knew some nice, decent Japanese guys, but most of the ones I know are married with kids. Is it just that women outnumber men, or is that men are super picky?

What Not To Do When You are 29

Out of pure laziness, I have somehow developed the habit of answering the phone (which rarely ever rings, by the way!) like this:

Me: Moshi, moshi. (Hello.)
Them: Hello, is your mother there?
Me: No, she's not.
Them: Okay, we'll call back later.

Now, I do not do this every time I answer the phone, but when the coversation starts out "Is your mother there?", I used to feel so insulted that I would go off on the salesperson. Then, I realized how funny it was, and I just started answering with the truth.

Tonight, I was doing aerobics to my new DVD (can you believe that?!), and the phone rang. Figuring it was my husband playing a trick on me, I answered the phone like this:

Me: Hello.
Them: Hello, is this the _______ household?
Me: (pause, as I try to discern whether it is my husband on the other end or not)
Um, my dad's not home right now.
Them: Oh, really? Well, we'll call back later. Sorry to bother you. (click)

Before pushing the play button on my DVD, I waited for my "husband" to call back right away, but the phone never rang. Later, I called him to ask if it was really him, and he had NO IDEA what I was talking about.

So, no more of this laziness. I must answer the phone like a proper lady and wife would do. I may think it is hilarious now, but when I have kids someday and they overhear their mother pretending to be a child on the phone so she can get out of talking to salespeople, I think they will lose respect for me. Don't you think?

Do Not Disturb

We have a rule in my household. It is a rule that my husband protested at first, but now he has quieted.

Every night, before I go to bed, I must read until my eyes start drooping. If I don't get a chance to read, even for a couple of minutes, I will lie there wide awake for hours (okay, maybe minutes!) until I can fall asleep.

Although I would venture to say that everyone in my family is the same way, it is an unfortunate fact that my husband does not require a reading session before sleeping. In the beginning, this was a definite point of contention for us. He used to accuse me of liking books better than I liked him, among many other things.

Rather than feel guilty about my habit (love, addiction, lifestyle) for reading before bed, I stood firm on the fact that I should not be disturbed once in bed with a book. You may be thinking that this is far too strict and that it holds me back from enjoying other pleasures in life.

Perhaps this is true, but a good-night's sleep is truly one of life's pleasures, and if reading is the only thing that will get me there, I am willing to sacrifice. (I have been known to put down the book, enjoy other activities, only to book up the book afterwards and continue where I left off.)

So, back to reading. Recently, on the advice of two good friends (Christine & Kaz), I finally joined Bookcrossing. I have three growing piles of books in my to-be-read pile. After finishing a few very good novels last November, I floundered through a few books only to give up on each after about 20 pages. Then, I thought, well, I haven't touched my non-fiction pile lately, so I picked up my long awaited autobiography by Hillary Clinton, and I am back in the game! Great book, by the way. I'll put on Bookcrossing as soon as I finish.

So, for those who don't know, check out the web site and sign up. It's for book lovers all over the world, not just Japan. This is a great way to see what others are reading, to get free books sent to you, and to get rid of your books once you have read them. Another advantage is this: You can track books and see what happens to them after they leave your hands.

This last one is really important. Let me illustrate why, and I am sure you will relate to this.

A long time ago, a friend presented me with a very thick novel called Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet. I am not a follower of Ken Follet, nor am I a fan of really thick books. After a few years, I moved to Japan and soon ran out of books to read. I dug that book out and read it out of pure desperation for English literature.

It was more than a page-turner. It was an amazing tale of the building of a church which starts in the 11th century England and ends some 400 years later. After reading it, I lent it to Andrew, an English gentleman whom I worked with at the time. Andrew lent it to his friend later, and after much prodding, I got the book back from him months later. A couple of years later, I was working a different job with a different English gent, and I decided to lend it to him. Have never seen it since. He swears he has no memory of it. So there you go. One of the best books I have ever read is out there somewhere, and I have no idea where. How sad.

How many times has this happened to you? I can think of countless others, and that is why I have a bookshelf for "Books-that-I-never-lend-out."

Then, from the opposite view, people have lent me books. I read it, but by the time I am finished reading, I cannot for the life of me remember who the heck lent me this book. I am not sure if I should keep it around or if I should lend it out to others. Oh, the guilt I feel over these stray books.


Check out the web site for Bookcrossing and join up!

Causes of Stress & Interferences (in the life of a foreign wife)

One of my main stress factors is that my husband is in the worst health, and he continues to go downhill. According to Kaz, I am the only one who allows this to stress me out. Okay, so from this day forward, I will no longer give a damn about my husband's diet, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, anxiety disorder, cavities, bad smoking habit, fatty liver, etc. Must I go on? I have managed to make him sound like a complete dolt to most of my friends.

For many foreign wives living in Japan, our stress factors include the following:
Lack of knowledge (of the language, the laws, the medical system, etc.)
Taking care of others
Household responsibilities
Making decisions (about medical care, education and money) for others
Dealing with children, especially sons
Dealing with Oedipus Complex (again, I may be the only one who feels this way!)
Lack of Time
Lack of Money
Limited job opportunities
Going on a vacation (to our hometowns, which is not nearly as relaxing as a real vacation might be.)
Having to be a "good girl" (a.k.a. being a wonderful wife, mother, housekeeper, daughter, friend, etc.)

Oh, the list goes on, but these seemed to be the major ones. Then, we talked about what interferes with our chosen methods of relaxation.

Many of the same things applied to this next list:
Lack of money
Lack of time
Sleep (Yes, sleep can interfere even though it would really be thought of as a method for relaxing.)
Demands from others
Guilt
Lack of knowledge (language, etc.)


If we can find our most preferred method for relaxation, we should consider what that is.

Mine is scrapbooking. I also enjoy reading, but that is mainly to help me relax enough to go to sleep or sit on the pot. Otherwise, I don't usually take the time to read during the day unless I am involved in a really good page-turner.

I often ask myself, "Mande, why the hell can't you take it upon yourself to exercise a bit?" I have so many excuses for not doing it. In fact, I could be using a newly-purchased-in-the-USA DVD to learn how to do dance aerobics or yoga, but instead, I am writing this blog.

These excuses are my "interferences":
I don't want to bother the neighbors downstairs by my potential thumping.
It's too cold in this apartment.
I would rather eat dinner and then do some scrapbooking.
I might like it too much.

Wait, was that last one an interference?

There are four areas of one's life that should be considered for managing stress, and a good balance is necessary:
Work
Shelter
Spiritual
Emotional

Work
I am nearly satisfied with my job, much moreso than many foreign wives I know. Teaching positions are becoming more and more restricted. I was lucky to get the job I got, and so I don't usually worry about it. I do find it stressful, but usually that is a good thing as it stretches my brain a bit. As Pamela Anderson says, "I don't mind playing dumb blondes. After all, a dumb blonde couldn't actually play a dumb blonde." If you read into that retarded statement, you would understand that she is actually pointing out the fact that she is NOT dumb. I don't mind being an Native English teacher in Japan because after all, a Native couldn't actually work as a Native English teacher.

Okay, that made NO sense whatsoever.

In any case, I am happy at work.

Shelter
We are moving to a new shelter, and we're busy preparing for the move. I am jumping out of my pants for that day to come!

Spiritual
Okay, so I never go to church. This is a problem, perhaps. I need to consider a bit more about what kind of spiritual life I would like and how I will pass this on to my kids. I think they need some kind of spiritual guidance, even if it is not the mainstream religions like christianity.

Emotional
I used to be a real mess in college. Now, I am okay, and I can talk to my husband about most things even if we do fight a lot. I think that one's emotional life always NEEDS some fixin' up. Not a day goes by when I don't assess issues going on my mind, but I think things are much better than they used to be. I am so much more adjusted to Japan now. My first year, I was sick all the time, constantly going to the doctor and quite depressed. But, I am much happier now.

Which Symbol Are You?

Yesterday, Kaz and I attended a seminar for AFWJ, a group that we belong to in Japan. The first thing they asked when we arrived was, "Which symbol are you most attracted to?" We were each assigned our symbol and then told to go sit with others who had chosen the same one.

There were four symbols: a circle, a square, a squiggly line and a triangle. I chose the triangle right away, and there were only two others in my group.

We triangle people are supposedly leaders and we are decisive, ambitious, competitive and athletic. We are also self-centered, overloaded, dogmatic, status-oriented, impatient and driven. Jobs that we tend to go for include executive positions, administrative positions, lawyers, entrepreneurs, etc.

Check out this link if you want to find out more about your own symbol.

http://www.personalityquiz.net/test/symboltest.htm

I must get this from my mom. She is way over the top in the leadership category of life. Anyway, what was most interesting about my group members is that one women is a past-president of AFWJ and other woman is the current president. Also, I used to be the Journal Editor for AFWJ, so there you go. Well, for now, I don't see myself pursuing any leadership positions, except for "Big Mama of our Household" and "Dog-owner".

100 Things About Me

1. I was born on 7/7/76.
2. My mom wanted to name me Andrea. My dad wanted to name me Tanya.
3. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a teacher, then a scientist, an architect, then a doctor, then a psychologist, then a writer.
4. In college, I wanted to be an events planner.
5. Now I am a high school teacher.
6. When I was a kid, I used to design my future house in my free time, and I used to study house design magazines so I could design the perfect house.
7. My dad was an elementary school teacher. He used to let me correct his papers when I was young.
8. My mom got her college degree when she was 35 years old. She worked as a nurse for several years and is now the director of the county public health department. I am so proud of her!
9. My best friend and I have known each other since we were in the womb.
10. She moved away when we were in junior high, but we kept in touch through letters and frequent visits.
11. We went to the same university and were roommates for two years, then lived on the same street for two more years.
12. I am the youngest of three kids. I think I am the only normal one.
13. When I was a kid, I used to pick out my future children’s names and update the list often. For a while, I wanted to name them Keegan and Theresa.
14. My favorite class in elementary school was grammar.
15. My favorite class in high school was English.
16. My favorite class in college was definitely NOT Japanese.
17. I majored in Japanese for the first three years of college.
18. I added a second major in my sophomore year, and that was Communication Arts.
19. I dropped my Japanese major later so that I could concentrate more on my media and communications classes.
20. Also, because I was tired of studying Japanese for six hours every night and not getting anywhere.
21. In high school, I studied abroad in Japan for one year.
22. I had always wanted to study abroad during college, but I decided to go in high school so that I could escape my life.
23. I wanted to go to Japan because I thought they ate fish every day.
24. My favorite singer when I was a kid was Boy George. I had a laminated photo of him taped to the head board of my bed.
25. In high school, I discovered John Mellencamp and have liked him ever since.
26. I began liking country music soon after graduating from college because I experienced my first line-dance lesson during a vacation in Nashville.
27. I took line-dance lessons for 3 years during my “single-life” days.
28. One thing I miss the most about the USA is listening to the radio. I miss the Deejays. Thank God for iTunes!
29. Another thing I miss are the sitcoms. I need to get a good dose of sitcoms every once in a while or I will go insane!
30. My favorite actor used to be Tom Cruise after I saw him in Interview with a Vampire.
31. I don’t really like him anymore.
32. I do like Ben Stiller though. Being funny is definitely more important than being good looking.
33. I love hearing about celeb gossip. My husband always knows about stuff before I do!
34. My favorite comfort food is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
35. I also like Swiss Miss hot chocolate.
36. I check my email at home about 50 times a day.
37. In college, I dated a guy who dumped me when football season started so that he could have more time to watch the games.
38. Another guy dumped me as soon as he turned 21 so that he could have more time to go to the bars.
39. One of my goals this year, in 2006, is to get a puppy.
40. I figured out what the “bare minimum” is, and now my husband rarely complains about my cleaning skills. If I keep up with the laundry, wash the dishes every night and take his shirts to the dry cleaning as needed, I am in the free and clear to do whatever I want with my free time.
41. I love to cook.
42. I love to bake.
43. I hate crowds and crowded places.
44. I make a To-Do list every week and cross things off as they get done.
45. I make a goal list every year (my husband makes one too) and I check it once a month and then cross off things as they get done.
46. I love doing creative things, such as scrapbooking.
47. I would like to go to graduate school someday.
48. I love to read novels, both fiction and non-fiction.
49. I don’t like mysteries, science-fiction and romance novels, but I do like anything that seems like it could happen in real life.
50. As for movies, I love comedies, I love romance and I love romantic comedies. I also like anything that centers on family relationships.
51. I don’t like dishes that have potatoes, carrots and meat mixed together.
52. When I was a kid, I played in the percussion section of the school band for 5 years.
53. I wanted to play saxophone in the worst way, but my mom came home with a pair of drumsticks and said, “I bought these because they were cheaper than a saxophone.”
54. When I was 12, I spent my life savings to buy a used piano and I took lessons for 4 years. In my senior year, I had to quit because I could no longer afford the lessons.
55. My real name is Amanda Jill. When I was a kid, I hated the name Amanda because it sounded too formal. I wanted to be called Mandy.
56. In fourth grade, I changed the spelling to Mande with an “e” because I thought it was unique.
57. The very first time I saw my husband, I knew I just had to meet him.
58. I have never pursued someone so much in my life!
59. I think ironing is the worst household chore in the world.
60. In high school, I joined the cheerleading squad for one basketball season.
61. I only did it so I could spend more time with a friend who was on the squad.
62. My classmates were very shocked the first time I showed up to school in a cheerleading uniform, but actually, I really enjoyed cheerleading because I love to dance.
63. I love pies. In fact, I prefer birthday pie to birthday cake.
64. I have the coolest grandma ever. She wears brightly colored, sparkly outfits, paints her nails red and wears bright red lipstick. She always has a can of beer in her hand, and she loves to gamble. Last time I met her, she was wearing black-rimmed glasses with rhinestones.
65. She has a knitting machine and loves to knit sweaters for people. She also crochets doilies by hand.
66. My husband and I try to go on a date every Saturday.
67. Usually, we go to our favorite coffee shop to hang out, then we go out for dinner and finally to a movie.
68. We see about 3 or 4 movies a month at the theater.
69. My parents are building a new house and they were shocked to hear that their new address would be 6969.
70. I have a huge weakness for chocolate chip cookies, and even on the South Beach diet, I allowed myself to eat chocolate cookies.
71. When traveling, one of my favorite things to do is tour historical houses.
72. I prefer educational trips to relaxing trips. Historical houses, presidential libraries and historical museums – that’s my gig.
73. I have never visited a tropical island, and the only beach I have been to is Daytona during spring break one time.
74. I really feel that one of these days I should try visiting a tropical island for a nice, relaxing vacation.
75. I have to read before going to sleep, but I always fall asleep after about ten minutes.
76. I am the shortest person in my family.
77. I am the only person in my family who doesn’t wear glasses.
78. My friends are extremely important to me.
79. My favorite Christmas custom is sending and receiving Christmas cards. I love getting updates from everyone.
80. Someday, I want to road trip around the West and visit every restaurant of the Old Spaghetti Factory chain.
81. Someday, I want to take a road trip from San Diego all the way up to Vancouver.
82. My parents want to take a road trip out west with my husband and me.
83. I would like to get my driver’s license in Japan within this year, but only if we buy a car!
84. I live close enough to work that I can ride my bicycle there. It takes about 10 minutes.
85. For my only source of exercise, I sometimes walk to work, and it takes 30 minutes.
86. In only I could wake up earlier more often…
87. My mom and dad met and got married only 3 months after meeting. They are still very happily married.
88. My best friend and I dressed up as drag queens every year for Halloween when we were in college.
89. I want to get paid for doing scrapbooking someday.
90. I am a terrible singer, but I love to do karaoke.
91. There are only a few songs that I can do – Journey’s Faithfully, Mellencamp’s Wild Night and sometimes Suzanne Vega’s Luka.
92. I say sometimes because there are days when my singing is worse than other days.
93. The reason why I am a terrible singer is because I lip synced my way through music classes and church all through elementary school.
94. I am a really good lip syncer.
95. The one thing I hate about being married to a workaholic is that I have to eat dinner every night alone.
96. I always thought that one reason people get married is so that they can have a dinner partner.
97. When I go to the USA and have many chances to eat meals with my family and friends, I realize how sad I feel about #93.
98. I love to plan everything.
99. In college, I loved doing weight training and playing racquetball.
100. I think I am a pretty healthy person, but I constantly worry about my husband’s terrible health. I am afraid he will die long before me.

American Airlines...Never Again!

This is a letter of complaint that I wrote to American Airlines. This was one of many dark clouds over our trip to the USA this time.

Re:
December 22, 2005
NRT → ORD Flight 154
ORD → GRB Flight 4367
January 2, 2006
DEN → LAX Flight 1469
LAX → NRT Flight 169

A few years ago, we made the decision to be loyal to American Airlines. One reason was obviously to build up mileage, but other reasons related to the customer service and airplane accommodations that I felt surpassed other airlines, which we had experienced. Unfortunately, our feelings have changed drastically due to the experience my husband and I had during our last trip to the USA.

On December 22, 2005, we traveled from Japan (NRT) to Ohare Airport and then on to Green Bay, Wisconsin. We had purchased our E-tickets back in September, and had even chosen our seating assignments via the Internet. We had a short layover at Ohare, and we felt worried that we would not make it to our next plane, but after going through immigration & customs, the re-booking agent assured us that we could make it if we hurried. She took our luggage to be rechecked in, and we were on our way.

Fortunately for us, the flight to Green Bay had been delayed by about thirty minutes, and we made it to the gate with plenty of time to spare. We boarded the plane with our boarding passes in hand, and a couple of hours later, we arrived at the airport in Green Bay, claimed our luggage at the carousel and were on our merry way.

Little did we know that American Airlines proceeded to cancel our return tickets, so that when we showed up at the Denver International Airport on January 2, 2006, we would be told that there were no reserved tickets under our names.

Why?
Because there was no record that we boarded that plane from Ohare Aiport to Green Bay on December 22.

Why?
Because the ticketing agent had booked us onto a different flight without issuing new boarding passes and without communicating this to us.

Why?
Because when a passenger does not show up for a flight, the policy of the airline is to cancel the remaining reservations for their trip.

The agent in Denver was nice enough to call Ohare or Green Bay and find out what happened from the perspective of American Airlines. She was also nice enough to admit that it was the fault of American Airlines. She explained that when it is the fault of the airline, they HAVE to accommodate the customer.

So, how were we accommodated? Let me paint a picture for you.
We were assigned seats on our original flight from Denver to LAX. Of course, these were not the seats we had originally reserved, but hey, at least we got seats. These new seats were in the very last row, the tail of the plane, the most uncomfortable seats EVER, and there was no window. It was nice that the captain pointed out the wonderful views of the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, etc. over the PA System, but we couldn’t see a thing! And, if you have ever sat in the tail without a window to bring you back to reality, you would understand how it what it feels like to be “landing” for two hours straight.

I was nervous (not to mention nauseous) during this flight because we had been told that we had no seating assignments for our flight from LAX to Narita. In place of “boarding pass”, the words “priority verification” were typed on our pass, and according to the agent in Denver, they would be asking for volunteers to give up their seats so that we would be able to get on that flight from LAX to Narita.

By the time we deplaned at LAX, our flight to Narita was already in the process of boarding. We hurried to the gate so that we could check in with the agents there. With no explanation, they told us to wait for our names to be called. There were others standing around who were also waiting for their names to be called. Knowing that our original seats had been taken, we could only hope for the best, and we braced ourselves for the long ride to Narita.

Our names were called, and we were assigned seats in the middle section of the plane. My seat was exactly in the middle, two people on either side of me. My husband was next to me. At the time, I felt relieved to be able to get on the flight. I just wanted to get home, but my husband proposed that we complain and try to get upgraded. I could see how busy and overwhelmed the agents and flight attendants at the gate were (it’s a busy time of year!), and I didn’t want to add to their stress.

I really regretted my decision when we boarded the plane though. When I realized that my seat was in the middle (NO ONE would choose a seat like this on their own volition!), I regretted not complaining, but then I felt it was too late. Oh, I saw how full business class was when I walked past, and I knew there was no hope for us anymore.

I regretted getting on that plane in the first place. Here is why:

• It was the most uncomfortable flight I have ever been on.
• I was hard pressed to get any service. Flight attendants who served food/drinks skipped over me, possibly thinking that I would get served on the other side, or that I had already been served. In plain English, I was blatantly ignored most of the time!
• I could not get up to go to the lavatory or stretch out without wreaking havoc for the two strangers on either side of me.


So, I have some questions for your airline.
• Why would someone’s entire flight be cancelled without notice if that person does not show up for one leg of his/her flight?
• Why do flight attendants and agents at the gate run every person’s boarding pass through a machine before they board the plane? Is it to check that everyone is boarded? Is it so that checked luggage can be cross-checked with the passengers who have actually boarded the plane? If so, then why would there be any confusion over which flight my husband and I had taken from Ohare to Green Bay on December 22nd?
• Why would flights be so overbooked that when computer mistakes like this one are made, the customers can only be accommodated by putting them through hell?
• Why would a complete stranger (not even related to the events at hand) be compensated if they volunteer to give up their seats through the use of $600 travel vouchers, hotel stays and food vouchers, so that the affected customer can go through 10 hours of hell?
• Why are flight attendants so commonly rude and unfeeling when it comes to customer-relations? (I have had bad experiences on flights, including this one, so this is more of a general complaint.)
• Why would flight attendants feel that it is okay to blatantly ignore customers who are sitting in the middle seat of the middle row of a 777?

I sincerely doubt that my husband and I are the only people who have gone through such an experience with American Airlines. I am not writing this letter in order to get a handout. In other words, I don’t want an upgrade the next time I fly; I don’t want more miles added to my account, food vouchers or hotel stays. What I want is simple: better service and a more sincere commitment to the customers.

In the meantime, I am going to let everyone, including my large network of foreign friends and colleagues in Japan, know about my experience with American Airlines. Then, I am going to encourage everyone to start shopping for an airline that offers better service. Finally, I am going to wait for a sincere reply from your company along with some proof that services will and are improving.

In closing, I would like to say that I did have one rather pleasant experience on a flight I took in 2004. After that, I told a few people about it. However, as a general rule of life, “When something good happens, we tell our friends. When something bad happens, we tell anyone who will listen.”

Winter Trip to WI and CO

I would like to go on record as saying that this was the worst trip ever, but I shouldn't be so negative about it. I am sure that by the time I get around to scrapbooking this trip, I will be able to look back and remember the good things or at least laugh about the weird stuff that went on.

My Family
First and foremost, my family members were all healthy and happy. Everyone got along well, and there were no major gaffs. We arrived in Wisconsin on December 22 and stayed in Antigo until December 27 (morning). For the entire time, the house was full of people as it was non-stop visiting, gossiping, cooking, playing, and if you know my husband and me, arguing! It was great to see Mom and Dad and their new house, which is in the process of being built. This was our last Christmas in the old house, the house they bought when they first married in 1969. In honor of this, the whole family made sure to get home in order to celebrate one last Christmas here. The new house will have more space, more bedrooms and bathrooms, and it will be closer to our greatest source of pleasure, the woods. So, everyone is looking forward to future Christmases, but it was nice to be in the old house one last time. They will move into the new house at the end of February 2006. It was also great to see my nephew Oliver. What a funny boy he is! And, if I was worried that he wouldn't remember me, I was wasting my time. Every day, he was going around saying, "Auntie Mande, come with me! Auntie Mande, I want you to do this with me. You have to play this with me, Auntie Mande."

Christmas
On Christmas Eve, we had our first official family party and opened almost all of the gifts. Of course, we saved Mom's birthday presents for the next day. Aunt Cindy and her husband Steve had come all the way from Idaho to celebrate Christmas with us. It was their first visit home in 5 years. On Christmas Day, we checked our stockings, and then Mom and Dad left to pick up brother Seth and his new (secret) wife. Of course, she is no longer a secret, but we all go to meet her for the first time. She fits right in with the relatives, and in fact, her voice sounds just like some our cousins' voices. After they arrived, we started our second official celebration and ate a turkey dinner. Afterwards, we opened the rest of the gifts - Seth's and his new wife's, along with Mom's birthday gifts. Then we met Shannon's family and went on a sleigh ride (yes, a real sleigh with horses and everything!) in the woods. It was Yusuke's first time to do this, and I forgot to check on what he was wearing before we went out there. Of course, everyone else had long johns and ski pants on with scarves, hats, etc. But, Yusuke had a coat and a hat. He was freezing the whole time, but luckily the temperature was not nearly as low as it would normally get at this time of year. My bad!
The next day, we had a "free" day, but we were still quite busy. We were able to meet up with Carrie, my friend from high school. Yusuke had never actually met her before even though she came to our wedding. Also, we did our last-minute Walmart shopping, and then prepared to leave Antigo for our 1-day excursion to Madison.

Madison
In Madison, Mom and my aunt dropped us at our rental car we went our seperate ways. Yusuke was so excited to eat at his favorite State Street restaurant, Tutto Pasta. I would very much like to introduce him to some of my other old haunts, such as Dotty's Dumpling Dowry, but he seems to be stuck on Tutto. We ordered way too much, and halfway through the meal, we realized we were making ourselves sick, so we surrendered to the doggy bag. After that, we hoped to do some shopping on State Street, but Yusuke was suddenly feeling ill. We split up, so we could do some shopping separately, but when I found him in a coffee shop about 30 minutes later, he was a wreck. I called Shannon's house and asked them if we could go there earlier than planned so that Yusuke could rest. It was a 40 minute drive to their house, and I felt disappointed because I couldn't go clothes shopping at my favorite stores in Madison. I had pitched all of my underwear in Antigo so that I could buy a whole new supply, and I still needed to pick some up, at least a few day's worth.

Shannon's House
At Shannon's house, I put Yusuke to bed and promptly left (with her brother) to do some quick shopping in a town nearby. I hated having him present while I bought a whole slew of underthings, but he has always been like a real brother to me, so it didn't seem to bother him at all. Back at Shannon's, I checked on Yusuke who felt wholly abandoned by me. He said he was in hell and that he wanted to go back to Japan right away. I just couldn't imagine forgoing the rest of our trip, especially since we were basically giving Shannon a ride back to Colorado. At that point, I really felt at a loss. I went downstairs for dinner and found that Shannon's entire family (mom, dad, 3 brothers, 1 sister) and our friend Jill were there to celebrate Shannon's birthday (and possibly my homecoming). It had a lot of potential for fun and excitement, but I felt slightly overwhelmed. I was torn between wanting to visit with her family in the worst way and between having to take care of Yusuke. He was couped up in the bedroom, taking his temperature every 10 minutes (it reached 40 degrees C at one point!) and bemoaning the fact that he was missing out on so many things and that I didn't care about him. During dessert, which was Shannon's birthday cake, I started to feel strange as well. I picked at the cake for a while and then went upstairs to check on Yusuke. At that point, I started to feel extremely nauseous. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I didn't want to tell anyone, especially since I had just been sort of making fun of Yusuke for being such a baby. When I went back down to the kitchen to make some more tea for him, the smell of the alcohol and food aromas in the air caused me to run to the bathroom and throw up. This lasted all night. I also was unable to visit with Shannon's family in the end! Late into the night/early in the morning, as I lay writhing in pain, I did something that I very rarely do. I actually prayed that I would get well and be strong enough to start the road trip to Colorado in a matter of hours. And, no, in case you are wondering, I am definitely NOT expecting!

Road Trip
In the morning, Shannon, Yusuke and I were planning to leave for Colorado. It would be a 19-hour drive, but we were planning to stop for the night in Missouri and then again in Kansas. Luckily, Yusuke awoke in the morning feeling fine. I felt markedly better, but had a sore back and headache. First we had to take care of our rental car, which had a "mechanical problem." We were supposed to trade it in for a different car before getting on the road. We meant to leave early, but after driving to the Hertz Care Rental in Janesville and filling out the new paperwork, we had to unpack and repack the car many times in order to get everything to fit into our new Toyota Camry. That wasted a good hour!
Then, we were on the road with Shannon at the wheel, me in the passenger's seat gabbing with her about our lives, and Yusuke taking up the rear, bored as ever because A) he still hadn't been given the chance to drive B) he thought Illinois was the most boring state ever C) he despised being in our presence during our girl-talk session D) All of the above. If you chose D, you are absolutely right. He was becoming increasingly annoyed with us, and he soon began masking all of his statements in sarcasm. Amateur sarcasm, if you must, because as we all know, Japanese people have not yet mastered the art of sarcasm. This, in inself, caused us to become increasingly annoyed with him. Need I say more?
By the time, we got to St Louis's Gateway Arch, 10 hours of hell-in-a-car had passed and everyone was exhausted. It should have only taken 6 hours from Janesville. Why the extra four hours? I have no idea because we didn't stop to see anything worthwhile along the way. Then, we still had two hours to drive to Jill's house where we would be staying the night.
Jill's house was peaceful and her cats are adorable, even though I don't consider myself a cat-person. She has a cute place, and I especially liked the red walls in the kitchen. Very tasteful. In the morning, we went to eat breakfast at a local diner, and then Jill rode with us to Kansas City where we planned to meet up with her boyfriend, Bill. Once again, Yusuke had to silently suffer through the noisy girl-chat, and he was noticeably getting more and more anxious by the second. I had to stop a couple of times so he could get out of the car and cool off. If we could have spent more than an hour in Kansas City, that would have been fantastic, but we were on a tight schedule and only had time for Kansas City Ribs. I was less than impressed, but this is just the start of my disatisfying food experiences in the USA on this trip. Up until now, I have always enjoyed the food on our trips, but this time was terrible. Anyway, on with the story.
We wanted to get on the road by 2pm (actual time - 3pm) so that Yusuke would have plenty of time to drive in the daylight. We wanted to come through on our deal that he would only be able to drive Kansas. We came to find that he is lacking in confidence, but at the same time, he is overly enthusiastic about the prospect of driving - much like we all were back in high school! However, this lack of confidence (not to mention competence) almost got us killed on the 75-mile and hour freeway, and I was kind of glad when, after 45 minutes, he decided he needed a rest and we switched drivers. Later that evening, he asked to drive again, and we let him for about 45 minutes. And, the next morning, we let him drive the first shift. It was still dark, and he was probably sleepy, so that was a mistake! I won't get into details, but let's just say that Shannon and I are really glad to be alive today. In reality, he just needs some more practice in Japan, and he needs to drive by himself with no one else in the car in order to gain that much needed confidence.
As mentioned above, we spent the night in Kansas, in small town called Hays. I heard there is a lot to see and do there if you are an American history buff, but we arrived late and had to leave early the next morning so as was the sucky thing about this whole road trip, we had no time to actually see anything! One good thing we discovered about Kansas is that the sunsets are absolutely gorgeous! We were driving right into the sunset and it was amazing.

Colorado
After Hays, we drove to Colorado Springs, and it took about 4 1/2 hours. Colorado Springs is located on the east side of the Rockies, so there is a wonderful view of mountains, including Pike's Peak and Norad. That afternoon, Shannon's boyfriend came over and took us to a place called Garden of the Gods. This used to be a sacred place to the Native Americans, a place where they speculated that the gods were living. Now, it is a national park with hiking trails, riding trails, etc. Shannon and I went horseback riding there several years back. This time, we only had time to drive around and take photos. We did stop at the souvenir store for a quite a while and we picked up a poster print called "Dancing til Dawn." It is a painting of four Native American women facing the sunset. They are wearing colorful blankets over their shoulders, and the colors of the blankets and the sunrise kind of blend together. After passing up a great piece last year in New Orleans, I had promised not to pass up art if I saw something I liked. Now, we'll be able to hang this up in our new apartment.

The next day, we met up with Shannon's boyfriend again, and the four of drove to a hot springs resort about 2 hours west of Colorado Springs. It is near a town called Salida. Shannon and I have been there before and we wanted to take the boys. I don't know what Russ thought of it (he seemed to enjoy it with Shannon, at least), and Yusuke thought it was interesting but that Japanese hot springs are definitely better. Okay, I will admit that Japanese hot springs are amazing, but this one had a certain charm as well. It seemed almost untouched, and we were all wearing swimsuits. And aside from the rocky springs, there were also two chloriene pools for swimming and hanging out in. But, when you look up at the mountains and evergreens which surround the resort, you really feel like you just stepped into John Denver's Rocky Mountain Vacation with the Muppets (which, by the way, we were forced to watch over and over again with Oliver while at my family's house!).

Although exhausted from our hot springs excursion, Russ and Shannon were planning a New Year's Eve/Birthday bash that night, so we went back to Colorado Springs to prepare for that. The party was at Russ's house and by the time we got there, Russ had decorated the house. It was a fun party even though we didn't know anyone except Shannon. We got to meet a couple of her friends, but mostly, it was Russ's friends who came. We never did get over our jet lag during this trip, so actually, Yusuke and I had agreed to take off early and get a cab back to Shannon's house. We would have liked to stay and party longer, but we were afraid that the longer we wait, the longer it would take for a taxi to come and get us. Meanwhile, Russ broke out his Karaoke video game, and everyone was taking turns at the mike. I would have loved to sing one of my Journey songs, but we couldn't. And Yusuke later told me that he regretted not being able to try it out. We took the taxi back to her house (Shannon stayed at the party, of course), and promptly fell asleep watching Meet the Fockers on DVD. Oh, how we love Ben Stiller movies, but for some reason, we just couldn't stay up past 10:30 during this whole trip!

The next morning, we waited for Shannon and to come home so we could do our last-minute shopping. I still wanted to buy lots of clothes, so we went to JC Penney's and Kohls where I proceeded to spend way more than I budgeted though. It's okay though because I love all the clothes I got. Shannon is a great helper when it comes to shopping. One of many talents is definitely choosing clothes for other people. That night, after packing our suitcases, Russ drove us to Denver so we could stay at a motel for the night. We would have to get up early to catch our flight back to Japan.

So, that was our trip in a nutshell. At the beginning of this blog, I described it as the worst trip ever, but now that I am done writing this, I feel that it wasn't so bad. Shannon was very understanding and hospitable. Russ was so nice to take us places, and he was fun to hang out with. It was great to see Jill and her condo, her cats and her new boyfriend. Also, everything went smoothly with my family - no major fights or gaffs. All in all, a nice trip.

Crazy about Scrapbooking

In 1998, under the advice of an old friend (Carrie Lex, now Thoreson), I joined her at a scrapbooking workshop for Creative Memories. Since then, I have created several scrapbooks, and I have loved every minute of this creating process. It feels so good to complete an album, so exciting to start a new one and so satisfying to give one as a gift.

After getting married and completing our wedding album soon after, I moved to Japan, but I didn't bring my scrapbooking supplies with me. I figured that I could get back into scrapbooking upon moving back to the States. Unfortunately, it started to look like that would not happen. With no hobby to keep me going, I felt myself sinking lower and lower into a state of self-loathing. In other words, I really wanted to create something and I missed the scrapbooking dearly!

For Christmas of 2003, just as I was about to "celebrate" my second anniversary of living in Japan, Mom gave me some sets of scrapbooking paper and stickers. I looked at her with a puzzled expression, and she explained, "I think it would be a good idea for you to get back into scrapbooking. In fact, I think you should pack up your Creative Memories stuff, and take it back to Japan with you." It would have been impossible to take everything with me at that point, but I did pack it up. Three months later, when Mom and Dad came for a visit, they brought all my CM stuff with them.

Since then, I have completed two thick albums - one was a gift for my parents hightlighting their first trip to Japan, the other was our trip back to WI and Chicago in 2003. I am now working on our road trip from Christmas 2004. I hope to finish that in a couple weeks. These days, I am finally able to connect with other people in Japan who enjoy scrapping as much as I do. In October, I am planning to attend a big cropping event in Tokyo, so I will the chance to meet more women.

Christine suggested that I put some of my scrapbook pages on the blog, perhaps to show what my pages look like.

All of these are taken from the current album I am working on. For this album, I decided to use the computer to print some of my digital photos and to also do the journaling. I printed some of the titles for pages using the computer. Also, I wanted to use some of the newer techniques, not taught by Creative Memories. For some of these pages, I used ribbon, brads and vellum.

Take a look!


1. The Old Spaghetti Factory and Broadway Street (Nashville)
Materials used: light purple & dark purple mounting paper, music note paper punch, Journaling done on computer with green and yellow color fill, purple ribbon attached with brads.


2. Self-Guided Tour (Nashville)
Materials used: compass & brick mounting paper, green mounting paper, alphabet stickers for title, journaling and photo captions printed on vellum, captions attached with copper brads.


3. Memphis
Materials used: various shades of red mounting paper torn and put back together, blue mounting paper, 2 post cards and hotel business card, photo of Yusuke eating pizza was changed to black and white and enlarged on computer, journaling done on vellum.


4. Elvis Presley - A Life Undone
Materials used: black mounting paper, camera mounting paper torn and laid over black paper in a striped pattern, title done on vellum with yellow color filler.


5. Jackson Square (New Orleans)
Materials used: blue/green striped mounting paper, light green mounting paper, square punch, blue dog photo printed on computer, journaling done on vellum.

The Food of Life

As I wait for my oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to bake, I thought I would take my friend Wendy up on her idea that I write about food. Well, she didn't suggest exactly that idea, but she referred to another blogger who regularly highlights what she cooks for dinner every day.

People (Japanese people, especially) often ask me what or if I cook dinner at my house. They ask me this because I am a wife, and they assume that cooking is part of my job as "wife." They do not ask men these questions. They do not ask single women these questions. To be honest, I feel they are prying. They seem to be waiting for me to say something like, "Well, yes, I have tried cooking Japanese food, but it is just so difficult. I can't seem to get the hang of it." And, I appease them by saying just that. From what I gather, it seems to give them a sense of self-satisfaction...like, "See, just as I thought, Japan...Japanese...Japanese cooking...Japanese food...it's all too difficult for foreigners to comprehend!" I used to brag to them about all the things I could cook. Fried chicken, chinese dumplings, grilled fish, miso soup, etc. However, I was usually met with an over-exaggerated "WO-O-O-OW! Re-e-e-eally?! Can you make rice too?" Really annoying, and so I stopped bragging and started feigning ignorance. It stops the conversation dead-cold, and I prefer it that way.

The truth is, I LOVE to cook. It has been a passion of mine for years. I enjoy learning new recipes, and I go through phases of wanting to cook all sorts of new and interesting things. (Then, I go through phases of not really doing much cooking at all, but we won't get into that here.) I also love to bake, especially pies and cookies. My passion for cooking started to bloom when I was 18. I had had jaw surgery and my jaw was wired shut for 2 months. During that time, I poured over all the cookbooks the public library had to offer. I planned elaborate full-course menus that I would start to use from my first day of FREEDOM from the jaw wires. Since then, I have loved cooking, and I have always thought I am a pretty good cook.

Things changed when I got married and discovered my "taste" for Japanese food was not correct; that some of my dishes were not pretty enough; or simply that not everyone likes the things I can cook well. Can you guess that my husband is overly-harsh on me when it comes to cooking, and so cooking in our household has become a somewhat sensitive issue? Nonetheless, I usually try to make the best of it and to add to my repertoire whenever I can. Here I would like to introduce some of my favorite dishes of late.


This is Indian Curry. Curry is extremely popular in Japan, but I have never liked it. We don't eat this in Wisconsin, and I had only been exposed to the Japanese version of curry. Earlier this year, Kaz and another friend and I went to an Indian Curry restaurant, and I realized that Indian Curry is delicious. I cannot even describe how much I liked it, but I continued to think about it for days. I found some Indian curry restaurants near my house, and now Yusuke and I go there often. However, I wanted to learn how to make curry at home, and not from a prepared curry kit. I discovered that there are so many spices involved in curry that one couldn't possibly get all those spices in Japan, and it would take so long to create the perfect dish. Eventually, I found just the thing I was looking for. It is, indeed, a curry kit, but most of the spices are separated. So, you just follow the instructions and add the spices as you go. It takes about 2 hours to make, but it easy as most of the time, you are just allowing the spices to simmer with the meat. As the instructions suggested, I added an apple to this dish, but I did not add the carrots. (I don't like carrots in my curry.) The kit comes with the curry base, called Rue. Then, in separate packages are the cinnemon stick, chili pepper, laurel leaf, peppercorns, dill seeds and three other separate spices to add extra flavor.

This is a very typical dinner for me, especially since starting the South Beach diet in January. The main entree was taken from a Low-carb cookbook that I often used. It is called Pork Chops with Chive Cream Sauce. It tastes nice and even Yusuke likes it. Fresh salad, sauteed mushrooms, Genmai rice and a glass of red wine. This kind of dinner looks like a lot of work went into it, but it only takes about 15 minutes to prepare. I usually serve food in a Japanese style (many smaller dishes, rather than one large plate) because this is what Yusuke seems to prefer. I don't mind since I have gotten used to this style as well.

Once in a while, I like to try out new desserts. This is an Australian/New Zealand dessert called Pavlova, or "Pav" for short. I found out about it when I was teaching a unit called "Christmas Around the World" and I was so curious about this dish. I finally tried making it myself even though I heard that it is very difficult to make. As you can imagine, it is mid-summer when New Zealanders and Australians celebrate Christmas, so they need to eat light foods. Pavlova is a dessert that was invented in the late 1920's and it was named after a famous Russian ballerina who had performed there and stayed at a certain hotel. According to the story, the chef at this hotel invented the dish and named it after her. Pavlova is comprised of meringue topped with whipped cream, and then topped with strawberries and kiwi. It is a lovely dessert and it tasted great despite the warnings I received from a few male Australians.

Lemon Barbecued Meatloaf was one of the only recipes that Mom passed to me when I got married. It is a great recipe. She says she found it in Good Housekeeping a long time ago. I enjoy making this, and it is one of those meals that you can slip some ground flax seed into, and no one would be the wiser. (Not that I try to hide the fact that I put flax seed into everything these days, but you know what I mean.) Other than being your normal, everyday meatloaf, the sauce is quite unusual, and very sweet. It includes ketchup, brown sugar and allspice and ground cloves. How much sweeter can you get? Yusuke likes it though, and in fact, I have discovered that he especially likes dishes which include some type of sauce.


Finally, in trying to simplify my life, I have been finding ways to make more home-made stuff, which costs less and is healthier in the end. After much debating (with myself), I finally bought a used breadmaker from a friend. At first, I was really nervous about using it, but I finally did it. Since then, I have been trying to make a loaf every other day. Mostly, this is for Yusuke's sake because he eats bread every day for breakfast. If I can put flax seed into the bread, then at least, he is getting his daily serving. As many of you know, he lives a very unhealthy lifestyle and his body is suffering for it. I cannot always control what he eats for lunch and dinner, but since he always eats breakfast at home, I thought the best thing would to ensure that it as healthy as possible. Thus, the whole-wheat bread with ground flax seeds. Beautiful and perfect (almost) every time!

As you can see from these examples, there were no Japanese foods included. Why, you might ask? Well, I don't cook Japanese food because it is just so difficult. I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

August Heat

Boy, do I wish I had gone home this summer! But, since I didn't, I have been keeping myself busy with various cleaning projects, hobbies and short trips.

It's boring, but I made a list of some cleaning projects that need to be done in prep for our move. I have to throw stuff out and do some deep cleaning, so I am making progress on that. It's actually kind of fun, and then when Yusuke gets home, I show him my latest work, and he praises me and I lap it up. Next, I need to clean out my personal closet - the one where he is not allowed to go into.

Hobbies - I was on a roll with my scrapbooking. I had finished an album for our Wisconsin/Chicago trip from 2003. Then I started a new album of our Music City Tour 2004. However, I ran out of album pages and am now waiting for my birthday present to arrive from Mom. I know there are some new packs of pages in there. I decided to up the ante on my scrapping skills, so I wanted to involve my computer more. I am now doing the Journaling entirely on the computer, and I am sizing and printing some of the photos as well. It looks really neat. I know that one's personal handwriting is important though, so I am still writing a few captions in my own handwriting here and there. I also have a long overdue scrapbook to finish up. It is my childhood album. I started it about 5 or 6 years ago, but I stopped abruptly when I came to my Junior High years. It's not that they are too painful to remember. I just have no idea how to design the pages or organize the photos. I am waiting for inspiration to hit, perhaps.

I am also working on Japanese still. In fact, I just registered to take the proficiency exam (again!) for Level 2. The exam is only once a year, and last year, I failed. Sometimes I think studying is really fun, and I feel very motivated to do the homework, but then I go through phases where I don't even want to think about it. In fact, I sometimes want to pretend that I actually live in an English speaking country, and I surround myself with English. Nonetheless, I have continued to attend my Japanese class once a week for the past 3 1/2 years. This is just about the only time I am free to speak in Japanese and I can trust that the teacher and my classmates will interact with me completely in Japanese. Outside, in the real world, I run into a lot of people who want to try their English out on me, or they want to answer my questions (which I have just asked in flawless Japanese!) in English - slow, stuttering, painful-to-listen-to Engrish. The other situation is at home with Yusuke where we rely on whatever comes out of our mouths. We speak in both languages, whatever and whenever we feel like, we don't really stop to think about it, and we know the other person will understand. So, what I like best is when I go out in the real world, and the occasional Japanese person talks to me just like he/she would talk to anyone else - in fluent, everyday Japanese. Sometimes it's small talk about the weather or other times, it's information about a product I am buying, or whatever. But, whenever they just treat me like a normal person and they just ASSUME that I can speak and understand Japanese - that is what really makes my day!

Other hobbies include watching movies or Japanese dramas. This summer, I have been watching foreign movies (Korean or French) that are dubbed in Japanese. My listening skills are good enough that I can understand most of what is going on. Finally...I get to watch foreign movies like everyone else! I really missed that! Last week, I went to see the March of the Penguins at the theater. It was great for me because when I was a little kid, I LOVED penguins even though I didn't really know much about them. Recently, I watched a movie called Hoshi ni natta Shonen. In English, I think it is called Little Randy and Star Boy. It's a Japanese movie starring my absolute favorite actress, Takako Tokiwa as the mother of a boy who dreams of becoming an elephant trainer. They own an animal farm in Chiba where they have many different types of animals, some which have been saved from zoos or circuses. It is based on a true story, and it was so moving. I was crying for the entire second half!

My reading list has paused out a bit, recently. Amy O. lent me the book Roots, and I really thought I should read it right away in preparation for my Intercultural Communication class where we will be studying about slavery/segregation/Civil Rights in September. I have started reading it, and it is really good. However, I have been interrupted by a couple other fast reads, and I can't resist picking them up and reading them whenever I have a chance. One is called The French Bulldog : An Owner's Guide to a Happy Healthy Pet. This series is really great if you are thinking about owning a pet someday. You can get a book based on the breed of your choice, and there were lots of photos to make it a more interesting read. The other book is called Queen Bees & Wannabes. The movie Mean Girls starring Lindsay Lohan was based on this book. The author started a program for pre-teens and teenagers in the Washington D.C. area, and she teaches courses at various high schools and junior highs. Her program has expanded nationwide and several teachers around the country are using this program in their schools. Even though I don't have a teenage daughter, it is interesting to read this guide and see what she has to say. Brings back some memories of junior high, as well!

Finally, trips. I planned two short trips this summer so that I could at least get out of the house. Unfortunately, Yusuke wasn't able to participate in either of these. A couple weeks ago, I went to Nagoya to visit Amy O. That was fun, and we always have a good time catching up on each other's lives. Also, her husband is very appreciative of anyone who cooks for him, so Amy and I cooked a few meals and a dessert together. Needless to say, he was a happy man. We also went to visit a woman who breeds French Bulldogs puppies. She happened to have a litter that was just about ready to go to new homes, so we got to play with the puppies and ask her all sorts of questions about dogs. She was so nice and helpful, and we talked about what will happen when I am ready to get a puppy next year. She said that if the timing is not right for her, then she will put us in contact with some of her friends who also breed Frenchies. I was so relieved to see a breeder's set-up in person and to meet and talk with a breeder myself. (Here is another example where the person didn't even blink when she realized I was a foreigner, and she just talked to us like we were normal people. That is a real clincher for me!)

Lastly, my friend Kaz (short for Karen) and I will go down to Osaka to visit a friend of ours. This friend will have her first baby next month, and we just wanted to see her one last time before she has the baby. It is my first time to go to Osaka, and we are going by overnight bus in order to save money. (It will be hell on our backs and tushes though!) So, I will let you know all about our Osaka adventures when we get back.

Updates

Thanks for your comments about the last entry. Right now, I am reading a fiction novel about India called "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy. I have to admit that I don't know much about Indian culture or history, so I feel a bit lost sometimes. However, this is a good way to learn.

It is so extremely hot in Japan these days. The rainy season is over, and now we are into the scorching summer. I can understand now why the ladies here often use parasols and wear long gloves to cover their arms. I, however, am not willing to go that far yet. Anyway, Shannon and Jill must have fond memories of how hot the temperature gets in July and August.

Update on our condo is that we were pre-approved for a loan, which is really great. We are deciding some last-minute design issues, but we won't be moving until next March. So, there won't be much news about that for a while. Shannon and Jill asked for some photos, so I'll put some digital photos of the model room which I sneakily took on the day we signed. If you click on the title of this post, you will be able to see the photos. (Remember that any title with three dots next to it means there is a link attached to it.) Also, here is the link for the condo's web site (http://www.home-plaza.jp/cgi-perl/room_plan.cgi?path=zephyr-inagekaigancrystal&thing_code=180019). You can look at the room lay out. Our room lay out is Letter G. You probably won't be able to read the web site as most of it is in Japanese, but you can see the pictures.

Currently, I am taking a 5-day seminar on teaching English. As you know, I am not a trained teacher, so I have to get training in any way I can, and it's best if it is free. In this case, Chiba Board of Education is sponsoring this seminar and I had to beg to be included because it is actually meant for Japanese teachers of English. I finally got permission to go, and it has been great so far. I am learning so much and I can't wait to try some of these methods on my students this fall. All of the seminars are taught by foreigners who are college instructors at a really innovative university here in Chiba. I have been doing a lot of thinking about my "career" this year, and I have decided through talking with various people that I should stay in the high school system. Before, I was thinking that I should get my Masters in TESOL and then get a job at a university. However, I am in a really good position at my high school and it is quite a high level school in terms of English. I have the potential to help make changes on this level, which in effect, has the potential to affect more students in the long run. For right now, I don't need to have a Masters to do this job, but I will keep it in mind for the future.

Other news is that although Yusuke and I are so low on money right now because it is going for condo-related and dog-related stuff, we are planning our trip to the USA at Christmas. It will be so nice to go home and see family, friends and our beloved Wisconsin. I never thought I would say this, but whenever anyone asks me where I am from, I get a BIG SMILE on my face and say "Wisconsin!" Also, whenever I mention Wisconsin during my classes, I smile wistfully. One of my students commented recently, "Wow, she must be so proud of her home state! She always seems so excited whenever the topic of Wisconsin comes up!" Does anyone else feel that way about their home state or home town? I mean, I know Shannon and Jill have both left Wisconsin so you might be able to relate. Or, Christine, how do you feel about New York? Anyway, I will give you more details about our trip as we decide what we'll be doing. We have to make reservations very early, so that's why we are already talking about it. Plus, I am just homesick and Yusuke desperately wants a vacation, so daydreaming about Christmas in Wisconsin makes us feel better.

That's all! I want updates from you all! Comment on the blog or write to me personally.

Designing Your Life

Have you ever thought about what kind of life you want? Really, really want? Did you think you could control how your life would turn out? Right now, we girls are at a turning point – late 20’s for my old, old friends – and we are on a cusp here. Unfortunately, if we had been wise, we would have started designing our lives way back in our teens.

So, when you were a teen, did you know what you wanted? Did you decide on your university based on the effect the location would have on your future? Did you plan for a career that would not only bring you monetary sustenance but also spiritual? (By spiritual, I mean self-satisfying, not religiously-satisfying).

I have been reading a book called “Not Your Mother’s Life” by Joan K. Peters, a professor and writer. This book reads like a textbook for a college Women’s Studies course, and I have been highlighting and writing notes in the margins just like a good college student should. But here’s the thing, this book says so much about our generation and the generation coming up behind us, and it would have been great to take a class in college entitled “The Realities of the Real World.” This book is for the up and coming generation of women who will be raising families – of women and men who have grown up with two working parents – of women who have realized that “doing it all” is not all it is cracked up to be – of men who realize that they don’t want to be an absentee father like their own was. Peters encourages people to think more strategically about their life choices. I think I have done some things right, according to this book, and in many ways, I feel my life still has a lot of potential for self-design. Nothing is set in stone yet. But, I want to write this blog to help you see the light also.

Before I begin, just to give you a little background information. I feel that Japanese society is operating in “America circa 1950”. They need time to catch up to where America is now, and it is understandable. Japan, is, after all, America’s little sister, born and bred on materialism and rock ‘n’ roll. However, modern Japan got a late start and it did not have the experiences of outright racism, multiculturalism, Civil Rights, Women’s Lib and so on. The foundation that Japanese society exists on is of two levels – a very traditional one that dates back centuries and a very modern one that constantly walks on shaky ground, subsisting on brand names, McDonald’s and Hollywood movies. So, they are still kind of stuck in this post-war era, no need for a Civil Rights movement, no apparent motivation for a Women’s movement and so on. The biggest issues in Japan are the Birth Rate Decrease and Educational Reform.

Birth Rate Decrease is an issue in most modern societies. It is expensive to raise children. It is scary to bring them up in an environment like this. In modern societies, people have a lot of choices, and kids are not always their top priority. For some reason, Japanese feel that birth rate decrease is a problem that needs to be solved, and one way to solve it is to make it easier for families to have children – they are slowly changing government laws to allow women longer maternity leave, building more day care centers, and so on.

One major problem in Japan is the hours that people have to work. Many husbands (not just Yusuke) come home every night past 10 or 11:00. Unless you are a teacher or a government employee, this is your life. In Yusuke’s case, he is actually working during these long hours. In many of his friends’ cases, they are also working this late. For older generations, it was the booming 80’s, and many company employees stayed out late drinking with clients or co-workers. This is a rare situation for Yusuke and his friends because these days, employees are trying to keep up with the demands of a job that 2 or 3 people should be doing, of deadlines one after another, of constant new information coming in via email and needing to be taken care of ASAP…or else what. In any case, everyone is afraid of getting get cut during this tight economy. Who wants to have more kids when A. you don’t have to because no one expects you to, and B. you are living in constant fear of getting fired?

I would like to imagine that life is very different in America. I would like to imagine that men come home at 5:30 every night, help cook dinner and take care of the kids, mow the lawn, take a walk with their wives, fix things, read to or play with the kids, put them to bed, have sex with their wives and then go to bed early. Wow! Sounds like a big day for anyone!

Unfortunately, from what I have heard and read over the past couple of years, life isn’t like that. People work odd hours. People work late. Couples work opposite schedules. Wives work late too. Dinner consists of frozen prepared meals. Professional Americans work an average of 12 hours a day, up from the legendary 8-hour days that we hear about all our lives. Yusuke works an average of 13 hours a day.

Designing your life is a method that you can begin using while still single. Think about the kind of lifestyle you would like to live. Include your fantasy husband and family in the picture. Include your neighborhood and house, your town and community. Is your extended family (or his) in the picture, offering support to you? Do your friends whom you’ve known since childhood live nearby? Is your house a large house in the suburbs or a flat in the refurbished industrial part of a city? Is the neighborhood similar to the one you grew up in? There are a myriad of possibilities for this life that you design, and your job is to try to make much of it happen.

Decisions you make early in life could affect whether you can make these things happen or not. Then there is the hard part – finding a husband, someone who will be an equal partner for life. That last part is really important.

According to the book, less masculine, but more sensitive men are becoming the dreamboats of the 21st century? Why? Because these types of men are supposedly not money-driven, success-driven – they are more willing to compromise. Most importantly, they understand the importance of balancing work life and personal life.

Basically, the premise of the book is to stress how important balancing is for both men and women. Women want to feel important too, and not just in the home. They want to work, to educate themselves, to contribute financially to the household. Many women practiced doing household tasks when they were little girls playing house, so for them, household tasks might seem to come naturally. The idea of being a superwoman came into play after Women’s Lib – the notion that women can do it all. But the truth is, they cannot, nor should they feel obliged to. Coming home after a long day at work, and then being responsible for cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids, merely because it comes so “naturally” to you – only to get up the next day and start all over – can only serve to wreak havoc on a woman’s emotions. Resentment might grow towards the husband, and the distance between them may grow also – to the point where he chooses to work later just to avoid her wrath. Don’t let this happen to you.

This book gives plenty of advice and anecdotes by real people who have made it work – the balance between work life and personal life for both the woman and man in a relationship. If the man is expected to share household and childcare responsibilities, he might very well take on the tasks with gusto. Either that, or it is just something he will have to get used to, and he will, if you ask him for help early on.

The writer also gives lots of information about current workforce laws and what companies are doing these days to ease the burden of their workers – especially companies where they have had to deal with high turn-over rates. It might surprise you to know that for every employee who quits, it costs up to three and one-half times that position’s yearly salary to replace that person. This means that it is much cheaper for companies to keep the employees they already have, so the writer gives advice about negotiating better benefits and work hours to fit your family situation. It goes for men also. There is really NO reason to work so much when there is always tomorrow! Why don’t more people understand this!?

One more thing, one chapter is devoted the topic of starting one’s own business. There are many organizations, which fund or give advice to women interested in starting their own businesses. Another chapter is devoted to women who are considering the fields of business, medicine or law.

This book was so inspirational to me. It has really made me think about some of the decisions I have made over the years, and also given me some ideas for dealing with my husband and his job – not to mention my job, since I do plan to keep working. I do think we made the right decision in moving to Japan (at least we are near someone’s parents) and living in the same area where Yusuke grew up. Our apartment is about a 10-minute bike ride to his parent’s place. Our new apartment will be very close as well, and we made the conscious decision to continue living near his parents, so that we could help each other in the future. Also, we live very close to my job, so I don’t have to waste time commuting. When we do have children someday, at least I will always be near them and can go to them quickly when needed. My job is more flexible than his, but he actually has flextime, which he doesn’t use nearly as much as he could. I am priming him for a change in that though. Perhaps he can handle more daily child-care responsibilities, especially in the mornings, in order to avoid being a weekend dad like so many fathers.

It takes one person at a time to make a great change in the world.