Feeling Down

Thanks to those who commented about Ailin's photo. I am enjoying this time with her, and I didn't realize how much life would change with a baby. In most ways, these are good (great!) changes, so I am not complaining. I just wish I could get through my lunch at a restaurant without ... you know what I mean ... I just wish I could get through a whole meal sometimes.

Okay, this title is Feeling Down because in Japanese, they use the word "down" to describe feelings of slight depression...especially after a series of unfortunate events. This is exactly how I feel, and it sort of came to a peak today. Here is my list of events that contributed to my feeling down.

1. Our stroller was slightly broken and had to be sent back to the manufacturer. When we got it back a few weeks later, there was a note with a long explanation and illustrations describing how we had been using the stroller incorrectly. I guess it pays to read directions, even for something as mundane as a stroller. (We had lost the directions immediately after buying the stroller though!)

2. Our digital camera broke and had to be sent back to Canon. At first, we were told it would take 3 weeks and 14,000 yen to fix, but then we were able to prove that our warranty was still good and they fixed it for free. (We had lost the warranty somewhere along the way!)

3. Our car was recalled - no big deal - but it had to go in the shop for a couple of days. I still don't really understand what the problem was.

4. My computer totally and utterly crashed. I guess my iTunes was getting inundated with episodes of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and I didn't realize it. My hard disk became too full to function properly and I had to have everything cleared out and reinstalled. Fortunately, my files were saved, but it took 2 weeks to get it working. The guys down at PC Depot kept treating me like an idiot, but finally on the 3rd trip to the store lugging my computer and baby with me, they finally went ahead and did what I was asking them to from the beginning. I hated living without a computer for 2 weeks, and this is partly what prompted me to start blogging again.

5. My husband offered to buy a new cell phone for me - one that can be used for international calls as well. At the cell phone store, they attempted to take my old phone and transfer the phone book info to the new phone, but it broke mid-transfer and so they suggested I enter the info by hand later. When I got home, I found that my old phone couldn't be turned on at all, so I had lost all of my contacts' phone numbers! It's not like I had written anyone's numbers down!

6. And, the most recent of events - yesterday, I was driving through an intersection when a small child kicked a stone and it just happened to hit the windshield of my car. He was about 6, judging from his size, elementary school-style back pack and his apparent lack of understanding about what he had done. He was with 3 friends, and I could tell he hadn't done it on purpose. I got out of the car to confront them, but I neglected to ask him his full name, address, phone number, school's name, etc. It crossed my mind that he probably didn't know this information himself, or if he did, he had been taught not to tell it to strangers. However, after the fact, I have thought of several ways I could have handled the situation. However, I had stopped the car in kind of a bad place on the road and Ailin was asleep in her car seat. I couldn't leave the scene to follow the kid home and talk to his mom or force him to take me back to his school so I could speak with the teacher. It was terrible luck, really. The windshield is now cracked.

It dawned on me after this incident that although I had been able to handle the first 5 cases with relative ease - everything was fixed with no problem, apt cooperation from Suk, and I had a chance to demonstate my Japanese skills in a variety of situations. However, this last one left me feeling paralyzed. I realized that I don't know how to call the police, I didn't know how to describe the street corner we were on, and I wouldn't have known how to describe the situation to the police over the phone. I also didn't know exactly how to talk to the young child - which words do they understand? How polite do I have to be? What would be appropriate to say to him? And, if I had gotten into an accident with another car, I would definitely not know what to do, how to call the insurance co., how to describe anything. The whole incident left me quite humbled.

7. And, this is not related to electronics, but I have not been able to lose the pregnancy weight. All of my friends have been able to lose it already, but Ailin is almost 5 months, and I am as fat as ever...and getting fatter. I only have two pairs of pants - one pair is maternity pants - that I can wear, and I have to wear very large, loose-fitting t-shirts. I often ask Suk why the weight won't go away, and his response is usually something like "It's because you eat fatty, greasy foods all the time. Those other women are probably eating very healthily." or "It's because you don't exercise. You should take up jogging or something."

Frankly, I don't see how that can happen...the jogging thing I mean. My right foot hurts like hell, and I can't even sit in certain positions without getting these shooting pains up my foot. So, I am considering getting a pool membership somewhere and going for aqua-aerobics, but then I have to find someone to care for Ailin during these times. Not an easy task.

As for the eating fatty, greasy foods...no, I do not eat these types of foods constantly. Okay, I do/did have a daily craving for chocolate and coke, but that was it! His theory was blown out of the water today when I went out to eat lunch with a mom frmo my playgroup. She seems to be back down her pre-preggers weight as she is totally skinny! For lunch, guess what she ate?! Three donuts from Mr Donuts. That's it. This was her "lunch", not a snack! Meanwhile, I couldn't even get through my bowl of chilled udon noodles because Ailin was screaming her head off.

Martha Stewart Almost Saved My Marriage

I actually have something more pressing to write about, but this title has been knocking around in my head for days now.

I admit...I am a sucker for Martha Stewart's TV shows. They are shown on LaLa channel here, both her old one from the early 90's (pre-scandel) and the current one which began to air after she became a free-bird. Anyway, I love both for different reasons, and Suk sometimes comments on my hankering for Martha and her housewifey show.

Then, one day, for the first time, I made one of her recipes. I was just watching her make roast chicken with some young buck who had graduated from Yale (who now has his own show), and it looked easy so that night, I attempted to make the same thing.

Since then, Suk has been requesting "Martha-style" dinners. I didn't think pleasing him would be easy! And for days, I was on a high thinking that Martha Stewart saved my marriage, but then the inevitable happened.

I made roast chicken the following week, and it didn't turn out quite as good. Of course, keep in mind that he was eating it for breakfast since he had come home too late the night before. The chicken was dry and not quite as good. He didn't even eat all of it. I was disappointed, but haven't lost hope.

Now, Martha's web site is bookmarked at the top of my browser, so I can check for recipes every couple of days. (Not every day...mind you...you think I'm crazy?)

Update

Ailin at 4 Months Old

Since I haven't written much in so long, I will start with an update.

My daughter, Ailin, was born on February 15. She was two weeks early, but there were no complications and it was a completely natural delivery. (7 1/2 hours from start to finish, in case you were wondering.) She is a nice little baby - we were lucky to have an easy time with breastfeeding, at least. I felt blessed to have an easy baby after enduring such a hard marriage these past few years. I doubt I could have handled a really colicky baby and post partum depression on top of a difficult home life.

These days, at almost 5 months old, she is going to bed at 7:30 pm, so that leaves me some free time in the evenings to do my own thing. During the day though, she keeps me pretty busy. All household chores must be done in her presence or we have to listen to "complaining". I recently bought a bumbo chair so she can sit in it and watch me while I hang laundry or clean up the kitchen, but even that doesn't last too long. We try to go out at least once a day, and of course we take the dog for a walk every morning.

Today, we went to the Flower Museum, and she seemed to enjoy looking at all the colors of flowers. We also stopped at my workplace to visit them. They always enjoy seeing Ailin and of course, the high school kids go nuts over her.

In the afternoons, we try to nap together on the couch with Max. Max lies in the crook of my knees while she lies next to my chest so she can nurse herself to sleep. It works out well, and I either watch TV, read or sleep during these quiet times of the day.

But at around 4pm, she wakes up from her nap and I try to fend off "witching hour" by keeping her thoroughly entertained until her bathtime at 6:30. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. We used to go for walks with Max at this time of the day, but since summer hit, it is too hot at that time of the day to go outside. I am also pretty tired by that time, I have to admit.

At night, she goes to sleep around 7:30, but then starts to wake up from 11pm or 12am on. She wakes every 2 or 3 hours and nurses back to sleep. So, in order to get enough sleep myself, we bring her to bed with us from about 1 or 2 am and she nurses whenever she needs to during the night.

Ailin has made a few friends already...actually I have made a few friends who just happen to have babies around the same age. Lani, a Canadian friend, and I started a playgroup in our area and we meet once a week. So far, there are only 5 members in this group, but we plan to expand in August. I love the women in the group even though they are Japanese and we have to communicate mostly in Japanese. It is good practice for us, at least. And, we can get a lot of information from them that we otherwise would not be privy to. In any case, starting this group was a great idea.

Ailin and I are going back to the USA next week for about one month. We will stay with my parents in Wisconsin most of the time, but then we are going to Colorado for Shannon's wedding for about 1 week. Going on this trip is nervewracking enough since Ailin and I are traveling alone, but Suk (my husband) is really resentful of the fact that we are going. So, every chance he gets to complain about it, he goes on and on about what a horrible thing I am doing. Well, in any case, I am really looking forward to introducing Ailin to her American family and to participating in Shannon's wedding.

New Directions

Now it is July...finally. I thought this month would never come. My birthday is this Saturday and I am turning 31. I am trying to convince my husband to allow me to commandeer my birthday plans since I always have to share the celebration with MIL whose birthday is one day before mine. Anyway, SIL used to plan these events and make all the arrangements, but since getting married, she no longer takes part in these piddly family - only the big ones like New Years. Rather than have a half-assed, last minute plan, I think I would like to make the arrangements myself. Oh, am I sounding bitter again?


Okay, well, let me explain. My last entry in this blog was in February, and I hadn't been writing much in the 2 months before that. I made the decision to take a break from blogging due to the faltering state of my marriage. A friend or two commented on how bitter I was sounding in my blogs, and I was slightly taken aback. Did I sound bitter? I was trying to find the humor in my unfortunate situations, but I guess it wasn't working. So, on that note, I abruptly stopped writing so that I could concentrate on improving my marriage.

I won't get into detail, but one of my tasks was to get MIL on my side rather than constantly allowing myself to be played against her. The other was to work on my reactions to him, and in other words, attempt to cultivate a calm, soothing environment rather than a volitile and bitter one. Sounds easy, right? No, we still have a long ways to go, but I am happy to announce that things are improving.

And, meanwhile, I kept getting the question from friends and family and readers, "what happened to your blog?" I wanted to start writing again, but if I can't write about my bitter-sweet problems, than what the hell do I write about??? So, I had to consider taking the blog in new direction. While updating friends and family about my life here, I still want to have a slightly entertaining blog. Though I have weighed several different options for directions, nothing spectacular comes to mind.

Here are some options I was considering:
1. My daughter's daily activities.

(boring...all she does is eat, sleep, cry, poop, play with her toys or with my face, smile her adorable smile and do the whole thing over again.)

2. My thoughts on Japan and life here

(not much to say...I have surrounded myself with everything American...my apartment has no tatami, I only listen to American music and radio stations, I hang out at Starbucks and go shopping at Costco and Ikea. How much more American can you get?)

3. A diary from my dog's perspective

(hard....I am already doing this in Japanese on a mixi. (Mixi is the Japanese version of blogger only way cooler.) It is not the easiest topic for a blog.)

4. My Daily Life in Japan...only less bitter

(this might be doable, and that is a big MIGHT. I don't want to seem like I am bragging here, but every day has some bitterness to it, and it would be hard to keep it out of this blog.)

Any thoughts? Anyone still there?