This is something I find myself saying quite often...mainly I just mumble it under my breath when a friend/family member or my husband does something to annoy me, or when I am alone with Ailin and I stop her from doing something really stupid.
But first, I must mention something that happened today. God, I was so embarrassed! I was about to check out at the cash register during my weekly shopping trip. Usually, Suk goes with me on Sundays, but yesterday, we had a big snowstorm (no, not big, windy or violent, it was soft and pretty and we were left with a blanket of snow in which my husband was deathly afraid to drive. Figures.), so we couldn't go shopping. Today, I managed to get out there and do the shopping with Ailin. As I was placing the overflowing basket on the counter, a cheap bottle of white wine fell out and shattered on the floor. It rolled towards the feet of another customer and she yelled out in surprise. Oh, gosh, what has the idiot gaijin done now?! I was horrified. About 6 months ago, the same thing happened with a container of tofu, but that was tofu. It made a small mess and no glass was involved. I was embarrassed then too, but I had already paid for it, so they just brought me another one right away. This time, no one offered to bring me a replacement bottle of wine, and I was way too embarrassed to go and get another one myself. In this case, I had not paid for the wine and I offered to anyway, but they waved me off. I really would have. That "you break it you buy it" policy you see in American movies doesn't apply in Japan, I guess. Well, I am not sure it actually happens in the USA either because I have only seen it in movies.
Okay, the real subject for tonight. These are my standards when it comes to the safety of my daughter.
1. When the dog has licked her mouth for more than 2 seconds, I immediately put a stop to it.
2. When she starts to play with the dog's water or food bowl, I move it or shut the door to the dog's room. (Yes, he has his own tiny 2-mat room, which basically is just a place for his indoor toilet and his water supply, and where he stays when we are gone.)
3. When she is interacting with other babies and it looks like she is about to scratch their eyes out. Hey, it happens - babies don't have much control over their limbs, so they tend to reach out and slap or pull at other people's faces or hair. It doesn't mean she has a violent tendency, but I would gather that other mom's don't like it.
4. When she is playing at the jidoukan play spaces, and she decides the floor vent is her new favorite toy, I attempt to redirect her again and again.
5. When she tries to play with the computer cords, I put a stop to that. (There are no other cords within reach for her in our apartment, thank god.)
I know there are more, but my point is that I notice others being so vigilent and strict with their babies, and I am just too laidback about some things. I mean, if you have read my last couple entries, you have gotten the feeling that Suk is overly-careful with her, and he often admonishes me for letting her crawl across the room, or letting her stand near the TV, or letting her play within 5 inches of the dog, etc. But, even out in the community, I notice that Japanese moms seem to be really careful about not allowing their baby to cause trouble of any kind. Today, I took her to a play space in Jusco, and there were about 5 other moms there. Every time this one baby came near us, his mom was right on top of him telling him not to yell out or get too close to us. I guess she thought he should be quiet in the play space.
Well, I am having trouble explaining myself here, but it reminds me a conversation I had with a friend last month. She had decided not to hang out with certain moms anymore because they were just too careful with their babies. Being the laidback person she is, she always had a hard time finding topics to talk about with them, and she always felt like she was being judged by them. That whole, "I can't believe she gave her daughter a french fry!" sort of judgemental attitude I was talking about before, and I agree with her. It is hard to be around those people all the time.
(By the way, not to invite pity from anyone, but I was dumped by one of those judgemental overly-careful moms a few months ago. We are no longer friends, and I am not sure why. I don't think it is related to our mothering styles, but whether it is or not, I find that life is much easier with out her in it. I no longer need to worry about every little thing, and whether we are doing everything right or not, and let's research to find out if this is okay or not, and what if this happens, and what do you think of so and so who lets her kid eat french fries...I could go on and on about this little drama that played out in my life last fall, but I will spare you the details.)
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6 comments:
No offense to you or any other first time moms out there, but I find that I am much more laid back with my second child than I was with the first. I find that in general first time moms just get so worked up about every little thing, and I include myself in that. Now with my second I am to tired to stay on top of it all and micro-manage him every minute. I mean I don't let him chew on electrical cords or lick the bottom of shoes or anything like that. I just don't constantly flutter around him like I did with my daughter. Also, my rules about what he can eat and when he could start eating it are much more relaxed. Everything is much more relaxed.
We have gone to a play group in our "mansion" several times but I have quit because most of the moms there are first time mothers and they drive me nuts with the looks and the "daijobu desu ka"s about everything. I feel so judged by them and it really pisses me off. The only other mom I can relax and enjoy myself around is the one who has 5, yes, 5 kids, all under the age of 7. One of her older ones is in the same kindergarten as my daughter so we have a lot of "war stories."
You can hang out with me anytime and I won't judge you.
I agree that dealing with the Moms in a playgroup can often be more exhausting than dealing with the children. Happily (?), I've been too busy with work to have to deal with much Mommy-based "otsukiai". Our son gets all the socialization he needs at preschool/daycare, and I find daycare parents to be (in general) a bit more laid back than others. Perhaps they're just too busy to worry? Who knows.
Of course, every age brings a new set of challenges. While I wouldn't call them the "terrible twos" quite yet, its definately challenging.
Actually, both of you bring up good points. When I (and my ex-friend) created our awesome playgroup aptly named Bilingual Babies, we decided to only accept first-time moms, precisely because we knew veteran moms would be totally bored! It has worked out really well this way.
Sherry, I like the image of a kid licking the bottom of shoes...not that I would condone that activity, but it is funny to imagine, especially in Japan.
Wendy, you are so right...from I have heard, day care moms are whole different set of people. They are not going to linger and stand around judging other moms, or making coffee dates with them. Who the hell has time for that? I know how hard kindy can be for the moms, not the kids. Sherry, hang in there!
While I'm not a mom yet (but I hope to be someday) I like the moms who are more low-key better. I don't mean child-endangerment level of low-key, but come on! You can not (nor would you want to) raise them in a bubble or protect them from everything.
Kids have to get a few little bumps and bruises, that's part of how they learn. There is simply NO WAY to teach kids everything by your experiences alone. They have to learn what "ouch" means in order to understand what they shouldn't or can't do/touch etc...
The way overly protective moms just make me feel sorry for their kids.
And your little dog is allowed to lick the baby according to me. Man, the dog's mouth is probably cleaner than most human mouths anyway!
Hi there!
I'm a laid back lazy mum these days. My husband would be aghast at all I let my little fella do. He is a laid back little fella as a result unlike his worry wart brother.
I love your "two second rule" with the dog, that had me laughing.
Thanks for the link to my blog by the way, a very nice surprise there.
And happy birthday to Little Miss One coming up soon. Wow, that's gone fast!!!
I was standing in the parking lot of Target wrapping a birthday present fifteen minutes before a Chuck E. Cheese party and thinking similar thoughts about my campaign for Mother of the Year. I think I would probably be arrested in Japan. So I'll wish you luck with your ambassadorship of laid-back parenting!
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