Breaking up - Chapter 1

I am going to do something I rarely do. I am going to write about 2 incidences in my life which broke my heart and caused two friendships to come to an end. I know this happens to everyone at some point or another...well, at least I do hope I am not the only one to experience such a thing. My husband seems to think it is rare because he, himself, claims to have no "enemies."

Well, I certainly wouldn't go so far as to call these two people my enemies, but they are indeed friends whose friendship is no longer available to me for whatever reason. I word that as if I am a needy person, but I also hope that is not the case.

Case #1
I'll call her Lara to protect her identity.

Lara and I met through a foreign wives' group at a time when we were both pregnant. Very nervous and anxious first-time moms-to-be, we found we had a lot in common, and for one year, we were, for lack of better phrasing, attached at the hip. We shared many things between us: tips, great web sites, woes, complaints, ideas, encouragement, funny stories about our husbands and babies, mother-in-law horror stories, etc. She seemed so smart and resourceful. For example, before buying something, she always fully researched the product and decided whether it was worth buying or not. She was also very soft-spoken and gentle when in public, but in private, she had very strong opinions about everything. I found that intriguing. I couldn't pretend to be so gentle in public.

She also had weaknesses (don't we all?). Hers was Japanese. She probably could speak and understand more than she let on, but she tended to depend on others to translate for her and help her out in a variety of situations. I, supposedly being better at Japanese, was often called upon to help her out. And, I did help as much as possible because she was my friend.

One year passed since we had met. At that time, I was having a lot of problems with my husband and we were seriously discussing "you-know-what." (Things are much better now, so don't be alarmed.) Anyway, I mentioned our issues to her a few times, and when it got really bad, I did call her up crying once or twice. But, isn't that what you can do with your friends...cry on their shoulders?

During the period of time when my situation with my husband was at it's worst (we had almost but not quite reached a turning point in our marriage), Lara began acting strange around me. She began to do the things that you typically do when you no longer want to hang out with someone but you are afraid to say so. I am not naive, so I noticed it immediately. And, I called her on it.

Through several emails exchanged between us, she admitted that she wanted to limit her time spent with me because the problems I had with my marriage were stressing her out. Perhaps my initial reaction to this was more of an over-reaction because her next move was to quit the playgroup we had started together. Then, quit other groups we both belonged to as well. Then, just drop out of my life as if she never knew me. What was my initial reaction? Well, I suggested that we only discuss playgroup-related stuff from now on if talking about personal things made her feel bad.

Well, one issue here is the lack of face-to-face communication. Though I tried to call her a few times, she never picked up. Our communication on this matter was done only through email, which very quickly could have turned into stalking since it was so obvious she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. So, on the advice of my husband and other friends, I stopped trying to make amends with her.

What I needed to do was go on with my life. I wanted to enjoy the remainder of my child-care-leave year with my daughter and dog. I needed to start preparing mentally for going back to work and becoming a working mom. And, I needed to continue managing the playgroup Lara and I had created together, and I needed to leave it in the hands of someone who could continue it after I return to work.

But, the fact remains, my heart was broken. For months, whenever I thought of Lara, I felt angry. I also felt sad and embarrassed. How could I explain this to my playgroup members? Lara didn't even bother to say goodbye to them in person. I kept wondering what I would do if I ran into her on accident since we live so close and shop at many of the same stores, but in the past year, I have never seen her. Perhaps she runs the other way when she sees me coming.

By the time I went back to work, about 5 months later, I finally reached a point where I didn't think about her every day and wonder what the hell I could have done differently. At work, my mind was occupied by other things, and my days were so busy that I no longer had time to be angry at people.

The one thing I did learn from this situation though was how supportive some people had the capacity to be. The people in my life who really do care for me, were there to listen and give their support. Mostly, it was my husband who actually sat and listened for the first time in a long while. He tried his best to give reasonable advice, and he often asked for updates to show that he cared or was thinking of me. And, he knew that in some weird way, this was partly his fault for if we hadn't been having marital problems, Lara would still be my friend. Or would she?

I will never know, but one thing I do know is that in an even weirder way, it gave my husband a chance to show his love for me and that was helpful for our marriage.

So, Lara, if you are out there, which I highly doubt, but I want to say thank you for being a bad friend because sometimes, that is what people need to grow and learn.