Breaking up - Chapter 1

I am going to do something I rarely do. I am going to write about 2 incidences in my life which broke my heart and caused two friendships to come to an end. I know this happens to everyone at some point or another...well, at least I do hope I am not the only one to experience such a thing. My husband seems to think it is rare because he, himself, claims to have no "enemies."

Well, I certainly wouldn't go so far as to call these two people my enemies, but they are indeed friends whose friendship is no longer available to me for whatever reason. I word that as if I am a needy person, but I also hope that is not the case.

Case #1
I'll call her Lara to protect her identity.

Lara and I met through a foreign wives' group at a time when we were both pregnant. Very nervous and anxious first-time moms-to-be, we found we had a lot in common, and for one year, we were, for lack of better phrasing, attached at the hip. We shared many things between us: tips, great web sites, woes, complaints, ideas, encouragement, funny stories about our husbands and babies, mother-in-law horror stories, etc. She seemed so smart and resourceful. For example, before buying something, she always fully researched the product and decided whether it was worth buying or not. She was also very soft-spoken and gentle when in public, but in private, she had very strong opinions about everything. I found that intriguing. I couldn't pretend to be so gentle in public.

She also had weaknesses (don't we all?). Hers was Japanese. She probably could speak and understand more than she let on, but she tended to depend on others to translate for her and help her out in a variety of situations. I, supposedly being better at Japanese, was often called upon to help her out. And, I did help as much as possible because she was my friend.

One year passed since we had met. At that time, I was having a lot of problems with my husband and we were seriously discussing "you-know-what." (Things are much better now, so don't be alarmed.) Anyway, I mentioned our issues to her a few times, and when it got really bad, I did call her up crying once or twice. But, isn't that what you can do with your friends...cry on their shoulders?

During the period of time when my situation with my husband was at it's worst (we had almost but not quite reached a turning point in our marriage), Lara began acting strange around me. She began to do the things that you typically do when you no longer want to hang out with someone but you are afraid to say so. I am not naive, so I noticed it immediately. And, I called her on it.

Through several emails exchanged between us, she admitted that she wanted to limit her time spent with me because the problems I had with my marriage were stressing her out. Perhaps my initial reaction to this was more of an over-reaction because her next move was to quit the playgroup we had started together. Then, quit other groups we both belonged to as well. Then, just drop out of my life as if she never knew me. What was my initial reaction? Well, I suggested that we only discuss playgroup-related stuff from now on if talking about personal things made her feel bad.

Well, one issue here is the lack of face-to-face communication. Though I tried to call her a few times, she never picked up. Our communication on this matter was done only through email, which very quickly could have turned into stalking since it was so obvious she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. So, on the advice of my husband and other friends, I stopped trying to make amends with her.

What I needed to do was go on with my life. I wanted to enjoy the remainder of my child-care-leave year with my daughter and dog. I needed to start preparing mentally for going back to work and becoming a working mom. And, I needed to continue managing the playgroup Lara and I had created together, and I needed to leave it in the hands of someone who could continue it after I return to work.

But, the fact remains, my heart was broken. For months, whenever I thought of Lara, I felt angry. I also felt sad and embarrassed. How could I explain this to my playgroup members? Lara didn't even bother to say goodbye to them in person. I kept wondering what I would do if I ran into her on accident since we live so close and shop at many of the same stores, but in the past year, I have never seen her. Perhaps she runs the other way when she sees me coming.

By the time I went back to work, about 5 months later, I finally reached a point where I didn't think about her every day and wonder what the hell I could have done differently. At work, my mind was occupied by other things, and my days were so busy that I no longer had time to be angry at people.

The one thing I did learn from this situation though was how supportive some people had the capacity to be. The people in my life who really do care for me, were there to listen and give their support. Mostly, it was my husband who actually sat and listened for the first time in a long while. He tried his best to give reasonable advice, and he often asked for updates to show that he cared or was thinking of me. And, he knew that in some weird way, this was partly his fault for if we hadn't been having marital problems, Lara would still be my friend. Or would she?

I will never know, but one thing I do know is that in an even weirder way, it gave my husband a chance to show his love for me and that was helpful for our marriage.

So, Lara, if you are out there, which I highly doubt, but I want to say thank you for being a bad friend because sometimes, that is what people need to grow and learn.

New Challenges & Complaints

I see that my old friend Craig has finally started writing again, and I quite enjoyed reading his blog. He has a quite a nice writing style when he is not writing about computers. That is not a diss. It's just that not everyone can understand all that techno-babble.

I am still working on various projects, and because I am spread too thin, I am afraid to say that my projects are not making much progress. Slowly but surely - well, a better way to describe it would be "1 step forward, 2 steps back." I probably shouldn't commit myself to so much stuff. What is funny though is when my husband questions my "busy schedule" saying he can't imagine what could possibly keep me so busy in the evenings.

Well, let me just say that I am way to busy to even sit down and write a list of all the tasks I have to accomplish each night while trying to squeeze in just a little bit of project time each day as well. Even though he seems to have no idea what I've been up to, I want to slap him when he says such things.

Well, here is what I have been up to:
1. Volunteering for AFWJ as their newsletter editor for the Kanto District
2. Volunteering for the Convention 2009 committee which will take place in Chiba
3. Still working on creating the Bilingual Kids Club
4. Still trying to develop the on-line magazine, which is much much harder than I thought.
5. Updatng my 2008 Chronological family scrapbook each month
6. Planning this summer's trip to Wisconsin
7. Exercising to shed some baby weight - (of course, this doesn't work well when your husband buys a huge bag of chocolate at Costco and then leaves it on the table...)
8. Watching the first season dvd of Beverly Hills 90210 (Hey, I remember wearing flourescent biker shorts and thinking I was so cool.)

I would advise myself to drop something from the list, but I know that some of this will end at some point.

Of course, there is also daily chores like laundry (Japan with its obsession of using balconies merely as places to hang ones laundry!), preparing Ailin's stuff for daycare, dinner-related chores, etc.

Well, I have a beef with TV shows that I grew up with such as the Cosby Show. Okay, Claire was a lawyer who always left work at work and each night she came home at the same time to a perfectly kept home, a stocked fridge & a present husband. Cliff was a doctor who only worked the occasional odd shift when delivering a baby in the middle of the night, but that never took long and he was always back home for the next scene. He never seemed stressed out, and the family had plenty of time to banter (or communicate) and deal with their daily issues (however big or small). I have a few questions.

Where was their cleaning lady? How come we never saw her? When & how often did she come to clean the house?

Who did the grocery shopping for all those kids? How did Claire always know what to make for dinner?

What about laundry? They must have gone through a lot! Did the invisible cleaning woman take care of that too?

The 80's really pisses me off. Where do they get off portraying the working woman as someone who could do it all without the help of, well, a paid staff.

And, just one more thing...I was complaining to my mom one day about how I needed someone to come in and help with laundry and cleaning - there are always things that just never get done. I said I wanted to spend my weekends enjoying my time with my family - why should I have to be down on my knees cleaning out bathroom drains with a toothbrush? And, putting away a week's worth of laundry that has been piling up on my bedroom floor?

She said, "You need a wife. Those are the things that wives do, and that's what you need."

Ha ha, Mom.